And I'm back....

Just spent a nice 5 days with my sir. It was heaven on a stick and then some.

And then i had to come back to this so called existence that I'm really REALLY starting to not like

Yes i love coming back to my children (even if they don't clean the house and spent all the money i left them) I love coming back to my pets (even if the dog did pee on the D14's bed and the cats ... well their cats) I love coming back to make sure mum is o.k. I like coming back to my co-workers that i am SO grateful for having.

However...

I do hate coming back to a job that i really hate. There is NO communication in that place what so ever. Oh but how they boast at how great their communication is. Whatever.

I do hate the drive back that takes 5 hours on a good no accident/no construction day. Last night was 7 and a bit hours on the road. Driving alone.. with a radio that kept cutting out as i have no antenna and a CD player that packed it in right after i got it from the mechanic. Convenient.

I do hate coming back and having to then switch over. I make my decisions for my day to day stuff. I choose my clothings. What to make for supper. How to pass my day. What time to go to bed(mostly) ...... blah.

I do hate that when it comes down to it I'm alone again. Not alone in the house but alone without adult conversation, his touches, his attentions.......

I hate that

I don't like that at all.

I miss him lots. This was a hard drive back. I cried on and off the whole way back. Usually all i do is cry to the state line (which is on hour) and I'm done for the rest of the time. This time i cried on and off for the entire 7 hours. I stuffed back tears today.... its not been fun

Thing is I'm not liking this seeing him once every 4 to 6 months. I'm not liking that ALL i have is communication daily with him. Ya sure... long distance relationships.. blah blah blah. We don't have an 'ordinary' relationship. We can and will do this.

I just hope that i don't have to wait another 4 months to see him......it hurts my heart just to think of it....

:(

~Just a sad littleone tonight.....

Packing

I have to pack - i dont have any choice about the matter AT ALL.

I have given my landlord my notice that i will officially be out of here by Oct 1. Which means i now have 3.5 weeks to pack ALL my stuff and get the hell out.

Im sad sorta. I like my place. Its comfy.. its mine and its private. I will be moving into the lower level of a co-workers house. Although nice he does not know the nature of my relationship with sir.

He is also in a neighbourhood that is VERY close and social. I'll be honest.. im not used to that. Im used to everyone doing their own thing. Keeping to themselves. And honestly.. strangers scare me.

Ken - that is the guy's name - has invited me and my son over tomorrow to meet the neighbors. Bring the puppy by so he can run a muck and jump in the pool. Im not overly sure about that. Puppy has never seen anything remotely resembling a pool. Hell id ont even know if he can swim!

I dont know.

I just dont like this entire situation one bit. I'm very overwhelmed by the massiveness of it all. I was in the process of looking for a new place to live and looking for a new job. Now add to that going to the lawyers and trying to make ends that BARELY met before meet... eek!

I think it will be ok... i really do. But i can honestly say that both my sir and I would like it alot better if i was moving home instead of into some guys lower level.....

It makes me wonder.. what will he think of me after that first night when Sir drives up to take whats his. Spank the ass he owns and make me cry hard cuase its what i need? Will he call the police? Will he think me strange? Will he politely ask me to leave?

I dont know... i guess the only thing we can say is time will tell......

... Off to packing i go....

~me

Insights and what not

It's been a busy few days in the life of me. *thinks* isn't it always with me though? Ya... i guess it is. I do know that when i move 'home' that i will slow down. I will have no choice. Until then i will do what must be done.

I have seen a side of my sir that I can say surprised me entirely. It also confused me greatly. One of the trainer guys overheard me talking at work over my issue with my HORRID financial situation and the need to find a suitable place for my daughter and i. He came over and said i have just the place. In the lower level of my house. I can build up a wall with a lockable door and you will have the privacy you need. No worries of first or last months rent until this blows over. If you cannot afford the rent on month that is fine - just give me what you can. I know what its like to be a single parent and struggle to make ends meet. $800.00 EVERYTHING included and i mean everything. Internet, phone, cable, utilities, pool/hot tub use, use of ALL appliances AND washer/dryer.

So he told me the story of the lower level. He purchased the house 3 years ago. Built it from scratch so he, his son and his elderly mother could live there. So he could take care of her as she could no longer live fully on her own. Down on the lower level was her living quarters. A living room, full bathroom, HUGE eat in kitchen with cherry cupboards and a corian counter top and two big bedrooms. She wanted a shallow pool and hot tub for therapy so he put one in for her as well (grant you he uses them as well but he put them there for her)

Recently she has taken to falling often. The ambulance over at his home more often then not. So after the last trip to the hospital his mother decided to place herself into a retirement home. So he could live his life and do what he wishes. Up came the now empty lower level.. and in came me.

My sir did/does not like the idea AT ALL. He does not like the idea of me living in "some guy's" house. He does not like that one entrance (the front entrance) enters into his open house. He finally said that i could get it on two conditions. That the wall is IN PLACE before i bring any of my stuff in and that its secure with a locking door.That i only use the front entrance to get into my part of the house when its an emergency. That i get my own phone line.

He still does not seem impressed in the slightest about it at all. However i will NOT come across a better deal in this nice of a house.

Thing is.. i can understand his concern - i share them as well, but Ken seems like a nice guy. I know of him at work. He's really nice and for the love of God i'd love to believe there are still nice people out there in the world! I like to think that mean nasty things that can happen in situations like this only happen to other people. Thing is.. i don't see me as being one that would turn heads. (apparently i do - lots of them) He said he will NOT have someone else touching what he owns. That he is frustrated that he lives so far away that he cannot come to ensure we're safe.

Then part of me thinks.. then maybe he'll move this process along faster so i can go home??.. then i feel guilty...

But end part of this story is that we are moving. He said it was ok. I am sure the first chance he can get he will drive up to meet Ken and see the place first hand. Maybe then he will be a bit at ease. I dont like seeing him worry. But in this instance i have little i can do to fix it.

I go see the lawyer tomorrow to fix this financial nightmare my son's father cast upon me. I still have no idea how one guy can be SO mean to another human being. Frig.. what the hell have i done to him to deserve getting a 400.00 pay check every TWO weeks?! No one can live on that.. no one.

S17 is coming over tomorrow. His grandmother will be dropping him off since she has to come into the city. He called to ask if its ok for his grandmother to do so. I said hell ya! (saves me gas in the car when im so broke i dont even have two pennies to rub together and gas is at 1.04 a liter! - Yes thats right.. over 4 dollars a gallon) He will be with me till i drop him off on monday. I have not decided weather or not to tell him what his father as done. Thing is.. i have no place for him to go. So he'd have to be angry at his father AND live there. Not good. Then again my ex husband (D14's dad) offered him a place to go to if he wished. There would be no harm in that.

The thing that burns me even more is that my S17's father convinced him to turn down two apprenticeship offers and go back to HIGH SCHOOL instead. I could just run him down for this! And for what?! So he could get child support from me for longer?! What the hell kind of parent does this?! Never mind the stress he's put on me. My nerves are shot. I have no idea most days how im going to make ends meet. In fact i bought D14's school stuff on my credit card that is almost maxed out because i have to live off it as it is. UGH.

Cant wait till tomorrow to see how the lawyer can fix this. Im not completely opposed to paying child support. Im opposed to paying a 1/4 of my pay for a child that is working full time! and im opposed to it because his father convinced him to turn down two damn good paying jobs in a city that is dieing work wise. The well runs VERY dry here job wise.. and 16,000 more people are due for layoff in September. Yay us.

But all in all things are moving around.
I have to start packing. I wish to be fully moved come October. That also means going through things and getting rid of the accumulated crap. Sorta like spring cleaning..... but only i have the promise of a bit of a financial breather.......

.... until we meet again....
~me

Looking up...

Things have been productive the last few days. Knock on wood that me posting this does not jinx the whole thing and it all goes to hell in a handbasket from here!

My training from work is done. Grant you im wiped completely out. 630am WORK starts have sucked the energy out of me. But its done and i passed. Woot!

Today i finally found a lawyer - yes i have the much needed cert! - I go Wednesday morning for that. When we were done the call i heard the secretary say to someone "Wow! this is gonna be a good one!" Ya think?! 367 per month in child support for a child who is under 40 days from turning 18 AND working full time. You think someone dropped the ball there considering i only make 1600 per month?! umm ya....

I was called today for a job interview. I go tomorrow am at 830am. I had to do testing for it tonight. A word/excel 2000 test. Which im sure i did poorly on as im used to using the short cut keys not the "long" way of doing things. I also had to do an English profficency test and a typing test. All while the dog is barking and running after the baby cat and my D14 is doing the mommie mommies. I did write them a thank you letter - it should be ok.

Daddy is currently over at his ex-wife's house (its his too). She has finally agreed to settle the separation with divorce papers so the house has to go. They have had one couple visit the house 4 times. Twice during the open house... once last night.. once tonight. They have driven by it apparently 9 times in-between. I HOPE they offer something good. This way it can be settled and its one more step closer to being done done. She has in the past outright refused to sign divorce papers, despite the fact that they have separated for the past 4.5 years. I honestly think its one of those if i cant have you no one else can. *shrugs* who knows. I just want it all settled up and done for him. One less headache he has to worry over.

All is going pretty good....tomorrow is pay day. I get to see how little of my pay check i get to keep from now on. Which is gonna suck as ive worked less hours this week due to training so the check is already less..... *sigh*

OH.. and i may of found a new place to live! yay!!!!

Ok.. a storm is coming in.. im gonna shoo....

Ni ni everyone!

~me

Weekend Report

Well - to be honest there really isn't anything to report. It's been a really quiet weekend.

I went to see a new apartment on Friday. I gave the Land lady my name and number. She said she will call for the deposit when she confirms weather both tenants are leaving. She has one that is in the process of eviction, the other gave her notice dependent on house closing. She said she would contact the one lady and the other she does not go to court for until the 22 of August. It is a nice place. The rooms only slightly smaller then what i have here. It will do. I can officially start packing things. Things that we don't use. At least this time i don't have to pack all in one day! Thank God for that! I never want to do that again.

Yesterday we went to my uncles for dinner. Two of my other uncles and of course i brought mum were there. It was sort of a mini family reunion. I love those! Big family meals. Until my financial matters came up i was going to rent a small hall where i could have use of the kitchen and i was going to cook a HUGE holiday meal. Either somewhere between thanksgiving and Christmas OR between Christmas and new years. However at this time i don't even know how I'm going to put food on my OWN table let alone feed a big family. I miss big family meals. I really do.

Maybe i should start getting active with the SCA again. But in the US as this group just isn't active enough. I used to cook HUGE meals 4 times a year and LOVED it. Grant you the guy i was living with was such a pecker head. My family always got the benefits of me cooking big meals. They got to sample all the foods in mini big meals. But he was always miserable that it was taking time away from HIM and how dare i. He even sabotaged a few dishes on occasion. How lovely. Not only did it take more time away from him as i had to clean it up and REMAKE it. But it also cost us money out of our OWN pocket. I refused to use the groups money to remake a dish when it was simply him being a bone head!

Sir also called yesterday. I have alot of SCA clothing being donated to me. YAY! My closet for that is growing!! However the reason why its coming is quite sad. His best friend's wife was diagnosed with MS this week. All i could say was "Oh. Well, I know all about that. If she wants to hear what its like being raised by a parent with MS she is more then welcome to call." My mum has MS. My mum has had it since she was 19. I feel badly for her. It must be very scary. But i really did offer for her to call as she has two very young children, 2 and 3 years old. They will never know their mother as "normal". But to be very honest... my mom to me IS normal. And i honestly don't remember anyone ever teasing me over my mum being in a wheelchair. Today's society is better equipped for handicapped persons. Which will be nice for them.

Well im going to go get my coffee and find the paper. See if anything has happened in the world since last night. I just got my morning call (at 1130am) from my sir. He's up and getting ready to go to Meijers for groceries. God how i cannot wait to go and do that with him every week!!

Take good care everyone. Have a happy sunday!

~me
ps. Tommorrow i hear of leagl aid - if i get it or not. GOD i hope i get it....

Good times

The day was not a total wash out. Even though it started off with many tears as i opened a letter to find out that not only have they taken my wages in this effort to get money that simply does not exist from a bill i knew NOTHING about until last week. It appears that they have now taken money that is my DAUGHTERS in order to pay this bill to "support my son" (whom lets not forget is working - D14 cannot legally work yet) To day i was frustrated and angry was an understatement.

I still await to see if i qualify for legal aid. Until then.. every available money source that they can get their greedy hands into they are. I'm suspecting that next is any savings accounts i may have. Which i do hold my mother's money in my name. This is for her care and my ease of getting funds when i need them -pronto. In no way shape or form is this MY money. It simply sits there for her use should i need it.

Apart from that.. it was a longish day at work. Not overly busy.. not overly quiet. I got a pattern cut out and i read the paper. Talked to a few people. All in all it was ok

I took D14 and her friend to the movies tonight on a gift cert that she had from the holidays last year. She wanted to go see Transformers - good movie! And im not even into those kinds of movies! There was a preview for what looked like godzilla - but it does not come out until the new year so we'll see.

All in all the day was a good one. The best part was seeing my D14 smiling and having fun with her friend. Even if they played DDR until their feet were about to fall off before the flick!!!

:)

Now im going to take my exhausted self to my coma.

Ni ni neverland!!!

~me

Tampons.... to the rescue!!!

**Note** This was sent to me and as my ex-husband (from many years back) is in the Canadian military (where we don't have Marines) it still struck a soft spot in me!


Tampons to the rescue in Iraq!! Don't worry, it's a good story, and worth reading. It's even humorous in parts. It's from the mother of a Marine in Iraq.

My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you. He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a girl care package and everyone was giving him a hard time.
My son said, "Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him." I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, Marine X thinks it's for him too.

He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, "What'd we get this time?"

My son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package. He said he wasn't sure who we were sending the pack to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, "Look at me, I'm an Airborne Ranger!!!!" One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile.

Then of course......they had those tampons.

When he brought this up, my imagination just went running, but he continued. My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grabbed the tampons too, and my son said everyone was teasing him about "not forgetting his feminine hygiene products."

He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, "Hey! Use Marine X's tampons!" My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told me, "Mom, did you know that tampons expand?" ("Well....yeah!")

They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later The surgeon told them, "You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would have bled to death." My Son said, "Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine's life."

At this point I asked him, "Well, what did you do with the rest of the
tampons?" He said, "Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit."

I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can't believe that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke, ended up saving someone's life. My sister said she doesn't believe in mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that "female care package" was sent to Marine X to save our Marine.

Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine! God bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.

This has been

.. the worse week of my entire life (except for running from a VERY abusive man and surviving - still amazes me how i pulled that off without him knowing)

Earlier this week i received two letters. One was dated July 31. It stated that i owed 734.00 in back child support. I looked at that letter and actually said.. what the fuck is this?! I dont owe child support. I never went to court Jan 31 of 2007. What the hell??? It went on to say that i had 15 days to contact their office to make payment arrangements. I was like you bet your damn ass im going to contact you.. i don't even know what this is about!
The second letter dated August 1 stated that they were going to garnish my wages to not only pay the back support but also the monthly support.

WTF?!

So i go to work the next day. Everything is sorta cool. I call up this sort of collection agency for child support. I twas then that i find out that the monthly amount owed is 343.00 and that i indeed owe 734.00 in back support and oh by the way we already sent the garnish papers to your employer. WTF?! 343 dollars.. i don't even make that much to be able to bay that obscene amount... what the hell am i suppose to live off of?! How the hell do i feed my other child who lives with me. WAIT a second.. last year when i was served the papers his father AND his lawyer said he was not even going to pursue this child support thing if i supported him in what he wanted - and i have. I got my child drives ed for 900.00 when i didn't have two cents to rub together - hell im STILL paying for that.

All they told me is that they are enforcing the court order as it stands and basically too bad.

I cried.... i cried right at work in the middle of all my co workers. Made a complete ass of myself - but i cannot afford to go home. I need every cent as it is to live. More so now. My world officially caved in on me.

i went down to legal aid to see if i can get a lawyer. I have an appointment on the 24th to see if i qualify. I also have a spot on the cancel list. I don't even know if i qualify to get a lawyer at all yet. I called payroll.. they are indeed going to garnish my wages before i even get to see one cent. They don't know how much my checks will be - or even if ill get any...

That was Tuesday.

Since then i have been an emotional mess. I'm still looking for a new place to live that is cheaper then here. Regardless of this situation i still need a cheaper place. So far i've found nothing. I cannot tell you how many times i've contemplated making my D14 go live with her dad. Putting everything i own into storage. Boarding my pets and going to live somewhere else alone. Were i can rent a room for 200 or whatever.
I've contemplated going back to school - going to see the Dr of stress leave (ive not slept more the 2 hours at a time since this happened)

Everyone tells me dont panic. Dont panic?! I have no idea what is going to happen to me financially. I have no idea if i will get legal aid. What if i dont?! Then what? i obviously cant afford a lawyer!

My rent is 850. I get paid 800 every two weeks. So one check automatically goes to rent. Out of the other check i get 50 bucks is set aside for the rent. 100 for car/house ins. 100 for electricity. 135 for my school loan. Add on top of that 367 for child support (this is without back support being paid) and im left with 48 bucks.

What can you do with 48 dollars that has to last you a freaking MONTH?!

With that 48 dollars i have to get groceries and pay all my other bills (like gas in the car so i can go to work, and my credit cards which i already live off of)

Dont panic..

Tell me, what would you do if you were suddenly told you have under 50 bucks to live off of for the month? Knowing full well you have NO SAVINGS account or mommie/daddy to fall back on??

I was already in the process of trying desperately to trim my bills. To sell my car (but i have to get it safetied first - cant now). To move to a cheaper apartment. To get rid of bills i don't need (like cable tv that we never watch)

and then this comes........

I think i must of been a really mean person in another life.
I must of been - why else would i keep getting the short end of the stick?!

the more i try to make my life better.. the harder i work.. the more crap that comes.....


:(

Revelations

There was this guy at work. He was in my training class. Quite the character and also a real sweetie - or so i thought.

From day one he was pursuing me. "Come on, he'll never know." along with the "Just once and i wont bother you again." And so so many other statements to go with it.

To be honest 'going' for/with him never crossed my mind. He was a good friend and nothing more. I have my daddy - he gives me what i need and then some. He is EXACTLY what my entire being needs. No one can give me that. No one.

Well as friends go - you trust them. Sure i didn't give him all the skeletons in the closet but i did share some things with him that I'd rather not get out at work. (of my past with pecker head) My understanding with employers is that if they find out your a 'fugitive' from a very abusive spouse and that you have a restraining order and that you even after all this time would be terrified if you saw him because he stated I'm NEVER going to let you leave me.. well they would see you as a liability and try to find some way to get rid of you. So i kept it under my hat - mostly. I shared that part of me with him.

Well a bit ago he got fired. Of course there were rumors that go around as to why exactly. No one believes those really do they? We emailed back and forth . He still proclaims his undying love for me. Wants us to be together blah blah blah. To which he is still to this day is shot down. Sorry (actually NO I'm not) buddy..i will not waiver on this one.

Well today a female co-worker comes over to me and asks if she can talk to me. So I go with her outside. She asked me outright if there was something going on between him and i. I answered her with the truth. I have never ever seen him outside of work - and i wont be, period. That there is nothing going on beyond a completely platonic friendship.

Come to find out she has been seeing him since April. She is/was married. She claims she wrecked her whole life for him because she loves him. Because he promised her the same things he promised me. Because he loves her and her alone. Because he wanted to live with her and enjoy life. Come to find out he really was/is sleeping with at least 3 other women (one whom says she is carrying his child). One gives oral 'favors' and then there is her.

She was devastated when she was telling me all this. I truly feel for her. It was like her heart was ripped out of her body. Poor dear. And she cried - no sobbed. And i hugged her. She called herself stupid for getting involved with him and myself smart for not bothering (which really was never a question as to if i would ever get involved with him-i think she gives me far too much credit. I know I'm owned and deliciously so. I know i didn't get permission for any 'extra curricular activities' soo....)

For me - he was someone that i valued their belief in honesty. Their sense of family. That held strong religious beliefs and truly tried to live to what they were taught in their religion (even though I'm not religious - i still think highly of those who try to live that way) Come to find out it was all a scam. And if he can lie to her on something that is so very important - what else has he done on his word that he gave me not to say anything to anyone?

His word is worth nothing to me.

She feels that she will never be able to trust anyone as much as she did again. On her level i can completely understand that. He is so incredibly smooth its unreal. The type that could sweep a person off their feet and treat them like a princess I'm sure. For me it will be hard to trust friends with what is going on with my life. And i have precious few of them in this city. I guess I'm one less now....

Soon she will be moving onto another job. I do hope she finds something that appeals to her. I as well hope that she keeps in touch. I really like her and would like to one day call her my friend.

~me

Just an ER sort of day

... ya ..

So i highly don't recommend any of my US readers to go to any ER in Canada.
I started my adventure at 1045.. and got out of there at 430pm

Oh joy!

Sounds just downright silly but my period is all out of wack - again - and it really scared me this morning. Something i remember from having the kids. The nurses told me when i left the hospital if i ever start going through a pad an hour to come back. Now i have no idea if that holds true for periods... but i went in anyway. It was that gross.

SO... long story short (and this way it will spare you all the disgusting parts) they tested me for pregnancy - there was none. They made sure my uterus was ok - it is. They changed my birth control - because what i had was practically NON existent to me anymore.

In fact the doctor was amazed i was not preggo that is how low it was in my system.

So for now I'm exhausted. All i want to do is sleep all day. Sir says that is normal considering what has been going on the last couple of days. The doctor does not seem overly concerned. He did say if it gets worse to go back in.

My my adventure in the ER has past. I have a new perscrition for birth control and the possibility to know what life is like WITHOUT a period ever 14 days (or less) Woot!

now.... im going to bed...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Just another sleepy day

It's been hard waking up today. I can honestly say i don't think i have woken up from today!
sir called around 830.... after the conversation i went back to sleep. He called 2 more times and finally at 1130 he said enough.. get out of bed and start your day.

thing is...... i don't think it started. Sure i got out of bed did the normal take the dog out, come back in shower start coffee eat breakfast.....

But as soon as im done this - and its only 8pm - I'm going right back to bed. I will bet good money it takes me 2.5 seconds to fall into a blissful coma.

It's been a busy weekend. FULL of stress. So much so that "the thing that has no name" has made an early and very painful appearance. Which also means two cycles this month - oh joy.

Sir even brought up the topic of getting a hysterectomy done. That brought tears to my eyes. I said "but if i get preggo i wont have to worry over it for nearly a year." All he said was "that is true." and dropped it. A short time later he brought it back up that when i finally get to see the ob/gyn i should discuss this issue fully and suggest to him that we take out the thing that gives me cycles nearly when ever it wants (and that is WITH birth control!)

That makes me very sad.

One weekend maybe i should bring up this discussion..... of how sad it really makes me.

Maybe its just a phase - most of my friends are having them. Then again - i think its really him. I never wanted to have any with pecker head. He was just too mean. Sir on the other hand - he is an would make again to a small child a wonderful daddy.

I think I'm just gonna go read my book and fall into a coma.

*muah!*

Friend's Baby

Last night my friends from my old city sent the first photo of their baby. It was the first time that i have seen their little baby.

All i could say was AWWWWWWWW as i looked at the screen. Her momma made her the tiniest little SCA garb ever. A miniature version of what she typically wears. Simply adorable!! Even sir cooded over the photo!! I cannot wait to see her in the fall although she will be bigger.

Does the feeling to have anohter creep back in.... yeah it does. But i know now is not the time. There is quite simply too much going on. It saddens me to think that there may never be "a good time" any more in our lives. In the end its ultimately not my decision anyway...

Never the less she is the cutest baby ever and i am very happy for them!!

~me

Long Tail Hamsters

I honestly think these are just midget rats! However they are cute as hell!

While we were out at PetSmart today my D14 and i were looking at the birds and little critters. Hey we actually went to get animal food for the puppy and kitty. Well... we both looked at these midget rats and love them.

So i'm fairly certain we will be getting two in the very near future. Thing is... i was never allowed hamsters or any sort of rodent when i was small. I have NOT A FREAKING CLUE how to care for these things. For that matter i have no idea where i'm gonna put them. I have one very curious puppy and an even more curious CAT!

D14 has named the one she wants already. Big Steve. He's a fat little thing. The other will be sorta marked like those spotted cows! I said call it moo moo.. she laughed and said no. I'm waiting for a response on a pet cage for them. If pet smart is open we'll go tonight. If not we'll go tomorrow.

Its been a busy but not day. No gym today. Sir says its my day off. I will go tomorrow though. Took my mum for supper. Just the ordinary stuff for a weekend really. Only exception is that i went to the library. I may take a walk with D14 later on for the store (i'm looking for Vogue Knitting Magazine) if we dont drive there on the way back from PetSmart.

Am i nuts to be allowing these little creatures into the house? Naaaahh i don't think so.

~me

I have a friend

I do have many actually.. but only one that i wish to vent about today. She is a good friend. One of my closest. She does not know of the nature of my relationship with my sir. Nor will she. She is one of those OMG vanilla folks that see anything outside of the 'normal' relationship as being wrong or abusive - which this is SO far from that it isn't even funny!

Awhile back my sir mentioned the big M word. (that being married) We tossed back and forth the idea of it. Thoughts on it. What each of us were looking for in not only the engagement but the day and long long afterwards.

Was i excited?! OH hell ya!! It was like i have never discussed the topic before with any other guy in my life! Sure i looked at dresses (and bookmarked a few so i can look at them and possilby make one) and started writing my name out on paper - just to see. I thought of vacation spots for the two of us. What the ceremony would be like. Where it woudl be pretty to hold it. The meal afterwards, what it would be like....you know....all the girly stuff we do.

I shared this excitement with my friend, whom was equally excited! And i told her not bring this up in conversation with my sir (acutally used his name with her) - it was merely him suggesting an idea. Not that it will happen. Not that it wont happen. Just his way of planting seeds so to speak in my mind so he can watch them grow. To see my reaction to things. To make me smile when he knows it would of. That he would decide when its time and all the rest of the arrangements. No worries. She said fine no problem.

Well....

She tried to call me the other day. I was at the gym gettin my sir's new bod going! So instead of waiting to talk to me she called him. ..... and aparently some time in the conversation started with the.. "soooo i hear you want to get married......" blah blah blah.

Now.. my sir will talk to her for a few moments. He does not really care for her. HARDLY knows her. Yet she wishes to share all of her life happenings with him. (regrettably i provided his number to her after asking if it was ok. Now she calls him all the time just to gab) He easily states that she is my friend - there is no need for us both to be friends with her. That it is perfectly fine that she is my friend. (which makes me smile!)

A time later after he ditched her (with a valid excuse - he does not wish to hurt her feelings but honestly does not like talking with her) he called me and asked what was that all about. Naturally i told him everything i told her. I don't lie to my sir. There are no secrets.. there is no reason for them. He did not sound impressed at all.

Now i find myself praying that her call did not dissuade him from his decision. That he is not upset. I tried to down play how worried and disappointed i was. That i was just her being her, however still at this late hour i find myself worried over the situation.

Is getting married a necessary thing to us? No. I know i am owned... deliciously so! However, it would help immigration out a WHOLE lot!! Will it be just a formality? I doubt it. My sir knows how much i wish the day to be so very special. The engagement right up to the the day and far after.

Im disappointed in her. She gets so bent when she "discovers" i tell my sir more then i tell her. Even though she is married she cannot understand why i do this. I have asked her if she tells her husband more then she tells me. She replied "of course" but was quick to follow up with the "You don't need me anymore. You've replaced me with him." And that is simply not the case at all. I simply cannot "need" her in the same capacity that i NEED my sir. She does not have what i require. She cannot provide it. (body parts aside - hehehehe). She does not know the ME me.

I have pointed out her statements to sir before as they bother me alot. I have stated to him that it nearly seems like she's jealous for some reason. Take for instance if we are talking and i bring up something that is going on in my life she quickly changes the topic back to her world. I will listen attentively and when she is finished i will bring up something special that is going on again in my life (or ours depending on the topic) and she will quickly bring the topic back to her. It is nearly like she wishes he didn't exist to me. That my world revolves around her and her issues at hand.

Yet - she calls him......*confused*

Sometimes I get the feeling that she is trying to wedge between us. Especially when she does things that i tell her specially not to bring up because they were just discussions that happened. I doubt that she could ever come between us.. however that is what i think she is trying to do.

End result.. i want the engagement to be spectacular. I want day to be so very memorable. Like no other day in my life. NOT just a bump in the road. I want someone to take fantastic photos of the day. One photo of my sir and i walking hand in hand in the sunset. I want a vacation afterwards with JUST us. Something again that memories are made of (do i hear Bora Bora or Tahiti? Hell Venice, Italy?) I have little doubt that he will make each moment of the process special to me. He knows me better then i know myself. He knows what i like and what i will hold dear for the rest of my life. I love him all the more for it.

I never had a special engagement. My first wedding (and presently my only) the engagement ring was throw up to me after he got home from the military on leave with the comment "Here's your freaking ring now stop whining." Fun. Grant you he had a buddy with him so maybe he was just shooting his mouth off? The wedding was MASSIVE. There was no honeymoon. The night of the wedding we stayed in some dirty little motel room that i didn't want to put my dress down on the chair let alone sleep in the bed.

We have been divorced now for as many years as we were married. Strange.

The second engagement the second he took out the ring i felt instantly trapped. I'm positive i heard the iron door slam! I remember that i pulled my hand away but he held my finger so tight it hurt so i would stay still. .... i wish i could erase that entire part of my life from my memory. I carry so much from that one.....

I just want everything to be sooo nice. Everything i dreamed of when i was a little girl, dressed in that sheet i just pulled off the clothes line, wrapped in toga style, as i swung on my rope swing.

Much about nothing

There has been alot and nothing on all at the same time.

I guess the biggest wow thing is that i joined a gym last week. I can tell you i now know i have muscles in my body that i didn't know existed! Goal for this was to tone up and loose weight. Other goal was to get out of the house a bit and possibly meet people. So far.. its a quiet quiet world out there. One good thing is that its an all woman's club. Yup.. no guys.. not even instructors! It's nice. There are also women of all sorts of sizes, shapes and levels of fitness. So i don't feel so out of place so to speak. I left the place yesterday and today and called my daddy. I told him i felt gross and icky and that i was shaking like he just used me good and hard. He laughed and said to get some water in me and that it would go away. It did - eventually. I'll tell ya what though - i slept good and HARD last night. First time in weeks!!!

My daddy's oldest had her brain surgery Wednesday of last week. The first few days were a bit scary for me. I don't like hospitals and much less ICU departments. My father had an operation and was in ICU and died there. Still freaks me out when i hear of anyone going into that unit. I always think OMG their not coming out!! But she is out and doing well. She still is having issues with her right leg. At first she could not feel it, then she could wiggle her toes, then feel it a bit. Now its up to she can feel it but not put any weight on it. She will have to go to phiso but the surgeon is not concerned over it. On whole the surgery went very well. Now its time for recovery. We went down to see her when she was suppose to have it in June. Both of us used up all of the vacation time we had to be with her. Ends up her insurance would not cover it at that time so it got bumped. Bad we're not there this time but it is very good to hear she's doing well.

Im looking to trade away my VW Cabrio. The parts for that car are just simply too expensive. Presently i've spotted a 1999 GMC Tracker. I had a tracker before the cabrio. The only reason i have the cabrio is that after nearly 400,000 km on it it finally died. Aparently the newer trackers have used the same company for the engine. I have to see if 1. my mechanic can look at the vechile for me and 2. if they will take the cabrio on even or better trade. I paid 10K for it about a year and a half ago. To be honest i'd take an even trade for it! This tracker is sitting at 4800.00. So.... we'll see.

Umm.. lets see..
Both my children graduated schools this year. My oldest high school. My youngest grade school. Both were very nice ceremonies and i am proud of each of them!

I'm also looking for another job. I have to call one company tomorrow and i'm still out applying to see if anything else pops up. Why look some of you may ask. Well.. its coming to the 4 week mark and my boss is sure as hell going to bring up something to say i'm not doing my job again. It's tradition with her! Or at least it has been for the past 5 months. I have to call the company that was offering 30K for shipping and recieving. We'll see tomorrow. 30K would be a pay increase which is something else i DESPRITELY need. What they pay me now (when they actually do pay me properly) is not much more then one would recieve on the city dole!

I calculated that out on friday.... and then i calcualted the yearly gross .... and then i cried and cried and cried.

I left pecker head and a job that was paying me 17.00 per hour for this?! While he gets to stay in the cushy house and keep his good paying job?! But you know what.. i needed to get away from him. And dispite the struggle now... im better off because of it. So are my children.

Ok.. gotta go rinse this hair color out of my head.

~me

It

Happiness is..

... knowing your accepted for who you really are!

I received an email from daddy's sister today. It was very nice!!

It in itself made me do the happy dance all night!!!

:)

His oldest sister and mother are very happy that i make him happy. He's happy - their happy. AND
If he's happy IM happy.. soo... everyone wins out in this one.

His sister said she has not seen him this happy in a very very long time. And its a welcomed change.

Daddy asked me if i was ready to have not a mother in law or sister in law.. but a FAMILY. Now i have uncles and aunts. (a brother who wiped himself off the face of the earth - he is alive... he just is dead to mum and I) Daddy says i am family now. Period. Not an in law.

Honestly... i've never had this before. Sure i was the daughter in law.. or with the last relationship the very special long time girl friend....

... but to be considered family into a large Italian family!

WOOOT *happy dances*

As apprehensive as i am... my happiness over it all runs all over it!

Today was a very good day.

Marks.. and babies.

Today i will finish painting D14's room. What has to be done is the ceiling - joy. But that should not take long and hopefully ONE coat will do it. I sorta got a little overzealous with the red paint and got the ceiling a few times then i care to count!

Last night i painted the trim on the floor and round the door and closet black. I still have black paint on my hands that will come off eventually. Why is it that it stays on your nails but not your hands?! Oh well... i have to re French the nails anyway. Daddy likes them like that. *smiles*

Speaking of him.... while we were away i got the ass he owns spanked and damn good too! It was not the first time for this.. definitely wont be the last. I looked in the mirror last night and to my shock the mark is gone! No more. That actually made me sad. It was sorta reassuring that HE put it there. WE both loved it done. And that every time i looked at it.. and God yes it was often!.. i smiled hapily. Feeling completely grounded. Not that i don't feel grounded with it gone.. it just sucks that it is.

A long time ago Daddy told me that he will put his mark on the back he owns in time. (In time meaning for me - not this weekend littleone) Basically will be in the same area as anyone's "tramp stamp" - as D14 calls them. I always wondered how i would feel about having something that he wants on the body he owns. After having that mark on the arse he owns i have discovered that i will LOVE it there! (or anywhere)

Now im actually excited and anxious to get it done. Forget about the needles (cringes) i just want it done!

I have a girl issue that is rather annoying. "The thing that has no name" simply will NOT go away! I'm good for a day or two then whamo back to spotting for 4. Then repeat, repeat, repeat. Daddy says go call the dr for that referral to the gyn. But thing is.. i don't want to get ANY surgeries done without him to wake up to. Sorry.. i don't want to do the whole hospital thing alone. To be very very honest - I'm not so sure of this getting my tubes thing done either.

I dated a rather mean guy. While dating him i decided that i would never wish to buy a house again. Never want a new car (both those lead to obscene debt that i will never get out of) and most importantly that i didn't want anymore kids. I was SO unhappy there. Thankfully that was a lifetime ago (or so it seems) Now.... Daddy comes along..and i suddenly find myself wanting all the things i told myself no on. Daddy is 41, I'm 34. Still young enough to have more if he wished. Both our youngest s are 14. One turned in the spring.. the other will turn in the fall. I mean.. am i even nuts for suggesting such a thing to myself?!

I don't even know how to bring this desire up to him at all. If he says outright no i will be devastated. If he says maybe and the maybe never happens.. i'll be disappointed - eventually. If he says yes I'll be like... lets start now!!

I don't know how to address it. Will it be one of those... she wants one.. i don't so set her free?! That terrifies me to no end.

His older children both say it would be way cool and ok with them if we did have one (like he needs permission) D14 says it would be sorta cool. (Her father and step mother have been trying for years to conceive. Unfortunately they have not. Infertility is something i would not wish on anyone - not even my worse enemy.) On the drive home we saw a truck filled with stuff. On the top was a toddler bed made of metal. I commented on how cute it was. He smiled and said "yeah and if im crazy enough to tell you we're having another you can get one like that and repaint it" Who says he's crazy because he wants that too?!

.................... I dont know. I wish i could discuss this without this fear of being released..................

~me

hot HOT hot

I find the temps hot that is. Funny.. in FL it was in the upper 90's every single day with uber humidity - and i loved it. I get back home and im dieing and it only reached 80F today. Hummm... strange for sure~

I caved though. I put on the AC and broke out the fan. It's made a dent in the house temp already but honestly - i really don't need it on. It's just nice to have it on. *mental note* i need to buy another bucket to put under the AC. Our landlord does not like it when AC drips onto other people's balconies. Umm... ok...

It's been a productive day all in all. I got the unpacking done. I picked up Casey from the kennels. He got matted up pretty badly because they don't brush them every day. So for now he really is Casey the Rat. That will be his registered name by the way. Casey the Rat - Westie. LOL

I did mum's laundry and folded it and took it back up to her at the long term care home. She announced that she does not like it there. So i called around a bit today to see where she is on the list for the other places. i don't think she would of moved far in a month. But I'll see what i can pull up for her. I honestly think she is going to have to be there for at least another good half year before she moves anywhere on the list.

While away the place she is at called 5 of the 7 days to tell me she fell. Never mind that i specifically gave them the cell number (and Daddy's) for this reason. Never mind i told them that i would be gone a week. They still called the ONE number i have NO access to when I'm not home. To say I'm steamed about it is an understatement. Something Daddy said i can handle tomorrow. Today i had to handle me.

I was SO weepy all day yesterday and about half the day today. To be very honest it was right up until he said No more tears. You're done. And that was that. So far I've been his big girl and not cried at all.

So many cool things happened while we were away. Daddy tanned the arse he owns and good. I still have a huge mark on the one cheek he spanked hard. He and I both were sorta shocked at the mark he left. We looked . ... had this OMG look on our faces then i broke out in a huge grin and hugged him tight saying thank you!!

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why i love that so much. Most days... i don't even care why. I just know i love it. It gets the cunt he owns dripping wet. After i am SO grounded for days it is - heaven on a stick! So.. know what... who cares why i like it. I just do!

Well I've got to get ready for work in the morning. And finish up my list that daddy gave me to complete tonight.

Ni ni everyone!!!

~me

Safely Home

We have both arrived safely home.

The drive yesterday took from 11am to 530am this morning. Yes. It was a long drive. A VERY long drive. Around 11pm sir told me to go to sleep for a bit. And then it began. Me sleep for an hour or two while he drove. Wake me up. Switch. Me drive for an hour or two while he slept. We did that all the way back.

He spent the day with his boy - and the evening. I drove the rest of the way to my home.

I'm seriously going through withdrawals though. I cried nearly the entire way out of his state. In fact i know i didn't stop crying until i crossed the state border.

I cannot even begin to tell you how perfect the week was - even with its set backs. We had alone time and family time and play time and much relax as a couple and family time. It was SO worth the drive there and back to see us both that relaxed.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much is sucks to be apart - once again - from him.

I want to go home ... and stay there. Not have to come back here. I want my spot EVERY day and night. When ever i want it really.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and hear his sleepy hi baby.. and my sleep reply back hi daddy.

In time.. i know. But after weeks like this past one... it seems a life time away....


ni ni time for me. Work in the morning.
**muah**

~me

Leaving

Today is the leaving day. Sir didnt sleep much last night so he is still sleeping in the bed. It is nice to hear him resting so well - however i will have to wake him around 830 so we can get started.

It has been an eventfull trip. What was to be a come spend time in the hospital for surgery trip turned into a spend lots and lots of time with the girls trip. It was better then spending time in the hospital by far ... however was costly and fun all at the same time.

I cried last night. Was an accumilation of things really. I dont want to leave the girls. The next time i see the baby she will be big (and talking). I had a good time and loved the HOT hot weather. I dont want to go back to work. I dont want to leave my daddy. All that and my period decided to make a REALLY not needed return (i just got done on Sunday and its back today!)

He let me cry.. dried up my tears - it was really sweet.

So today we go for breakfast.. i go to the ocean.. we stop at the market.. then drive to Gainsville. Stop there.. Then drive to Ky. I spend the night. He goes to his boy's games on Sunday.. i finish my long drive to my house. UGH...

I cant wait till the final stopping spot is the house... be done.. unpack and relax again.

I miss my child, mum and puppy. It will be nice to see them.

Well i better put the laptop away. start putting things in the car then wake daddy to start our busy day.

~me

second last night..

And tonight was the second last evening here.

We had the girls with us for most of the day again today. Tonight we had them for a make shift supper of wings and pizza and pasta salad that daddy made. mmmmmmmm

And when we drove them home to drop them both off at their houses.... i cried silently on the way back.

I dont want to leave.

I dont want to leave them as i feel im making progress in getting to know them better.. and them me.
I dont want to leave because i have to go back to my crumby job that i HATE (oh and Ereline -my boss- IS coming over from India - - joy)
I dont want to leave because that means that tomorrow is our last day here... and that also means i dont have any more days with my daddy left...

The last time i saw my daddy was when we were here in January. It took me a good month to finally settle into my home life....... and i never fully did......

I dont know when i'll see him again.. and that makes me very sad.....

i hate this.....it so sucks

Confused

Well we are still here. Relaxing this morning. Sir is reading his emails.. and going through his sports pages.. what he does everyday. Work has called twice... already today.

I swear im going to pitch that phone out the window soon! It rings nearly non stop right up till 10pm. Grant you there are lulls where its quiet and its good then.

The operation has not happened yet. I just don't understand the medical system here at all. I come from Canada. We go to the dr.. they send us to the specialist.. we get the booking for the operation and its done. Swipe the health card (which is green for my province) and its done.

The operation not only was canceled but because she threw a big fit she was permanently discharged from her primary care physician. I guess the story goes..... she went to her primary care physician - he sent her to a neurologist. This neurologist could not get her in until end August or beginning of September. HE recommended she go to another neurologist so she could get in right away. All the papers were done up. All the pre-op. At 5pm the NIGHT BEFORE the surgery she was called and told that the primary care physician had not authorized the surgery thus... no surgery.

The poor thing threw such a fit at the office that she was later called and told that she had been discharged as a paitient.. so no surgery.. not ever as she had no physician to authorize it.

She has since found another that will authorize it.. she goes on monday to that doctor. We unfortunately still have to go home on Saturday regardless of the surgery date. Sir is sad.. he has no more leave left after this.

So we have been spending the time with the girls. Playing tourist. Having family time. Just having an all over good time. We have been to the outlet mall and the zoo. Many family diners. Many laughs. Hell even cold stone one night taking the big risk of me getting sooo sick afterwards (which never happened im glad to report.)

I have many things for home. I have many prises for the kids. It's all going to be nice.

I'll have more to tell later on......

~me

Travel time

In a few days time we will be leaving to go to Sir's oldest daughters home. Some 13 hour drive away.

I will leave from my house on Friday afternoon (after lunch with mum and getting my nails done pretty) I will settle in and Sat morning be awoken by his cock in the mouth he owns (omg i love waking like that!) and then off we go.

I'm excited to be going. I get so much alone time with my sir. I get to see the girls. I get to see the baby! But at the same time I'm very worried and apprehensive about the the entire thing.

We are not going for a vacation per say. Although the night time alone will BE a much needed vacation to my so called life here. We are going because his oldest is having brain surgery. He needs to be there he says. And actually i completely agree. Being a parent of two great kids.. i cannot think of a single place id be but beside their bed for something like this. I mean.. its not like she's getting her broken arm reset (not saying that its not important - it is - just how often do you hear of death as a complication to that?!)

I'm worried that i may of changed shape since he last saw me and he will not like it or me any longer. I'm worried that i wont meet his expectations. He has said 'don't disappoint me.' For whatever reason i find myself defeated before i have even begun. Could be the old crap from my past bubbling up. As for my shape.. the scale says I've not gained any more. Grant you i've not lost any either.

I have found me standing in front of the mirror.. scrutinizing my image. This is too big.. this is too small... He has an unbelievable way of making me feel like a super model. THAT alone i cannot wait for when i feel so miserable about me. I KNOW my self image issues come from ALL my past. We're working on it.

Im just worried i wont meet his expectations. I worried that i will disappoint him and i will no longer be his. The prospect of being set free is absoultely terrifying, anxioity attack, sort of thing to me.

I've told sir that i desire a person who lives near me that lives the lifestyle that we do. That i can call up and go for coffee.. discuss our issues.. or accomplishments.. or feeling.. or swap ideas! He said that in time i will have that. I long for that NOW. I do not dare ask to go to the bdsm meets. I am not looking for a Dom/Master... "I've already got one!" (in the outrageous french accent!) It would be lovely to know that these feelings ... well .. that others have had them too.

I'm looking forward to the alone times. I have said.. and he has said as well.. i want to be used so that i hurt the next day! I have no doubt in my mind that that will occur often. He has also said other things that will happen. Being spanked till i cry - which as of yet for some bizzare reason i just dont cry. I was the same as a child. I would be silent.. not saying one word.. nor shed one tear. Sir said that will change. Like it was some unsaid challenge! heheh maybe it is? He said he WILL use the ass he owns... which to me is both exciting and .. "your gonna do what?!"

I am sure its just me twisting this way out of proportions.. but still they are my feelings..and they are real....

God it would be nice to have a coffee buddy that i can share this with.......sometimes the world seems so big and lonely.....

~me

Weekends are for...

... house work, errands and advance packing! Or at least that is what is happening to my weekend! OH.. and add painting!

I'm still in the process of painting D14's room. I started the top half last night. I opened the can and it was BLOOD red. And i thought... omg.. sir's gonna kill me! But he didn't.. he said it actually is coming along well and cannot wait to see what it looks like when done! Its dark gray on the bottom.. and hopefully a dark burgundy on the top after another coat! The middle will have a light gray border with Japanese words going along it!

After its done.. sometime next year the way this paint is drying... all of D14's things go BACK into the room and the mess will be complete and gone. Woot! I'm so excited for that!!

Today should mostly be running around. The typical crap.. library, a bit of groceries that sort of stuff. I go see mum around dinner time to sit with her for a bit. Sometime this afternoon i'll paint the wall again. i HOPE it only needs one more coat! Tonight i will do a bit of laundry. Just not a rushed day at all. Which is nice for a change.

Sir will be out all day with S13. Ball weekended. I cannot wait for high school. In the fall there will be no more weekends of ball.. Thankfully! Then sir and I can spend some relax time on the weekends.

Well i think im gonna go off to paint some. Get my day started. Then i can go to the store and get my coffee stuff.

Toddles yous!

~me

Some of the

... best things are the little things that happen throughout the week that just make me smile...

Like when he hums me to sleep - works better then Nytoll guaranteed!

Like when he idly plays with my hair as we're snuggled on the sofa watching tv. Me in my spot between his legs.. him on his back. I honestly think every single time that happens, ever so contently, 'Can it get any better then this?!'

Like when he says "you know.. i kinda like you. But i love you much more". I know that he has told me that love does not have to happen when someone is owned.. but it sure makes things nice!

Like how he holds my hand tight when we're in crowded places. He knows i don't like big crowds and him holding tight is just the perfect grounding i need in that instance.

Like how he will pull me close and hug me tight and kiss the top of my head. Sometimes the hight difference is simply grand!

Like when he brings me strawberries when he's out without me. Forget flowers.. those win out ANY day!

Like how he will brush out my tangles for hours and hours.. taking great care never to pull.

... like today how he tells me not only do i love you but im insanely IN love with you. -Awwwww
My sir is a softie at heart!

Emails like this one:
"No matter what happens in life, know the following:
You are loved each day you open your eyes
You are needed as much as i need air to breathe
Your grounding is needed, makes you content
You know what you were born for, and finally found it
You grow and shine each day, making your life finally worth meaning
And i love my most precious gift, I hold only second in my life to my children"

*smiles*

In a few days time we will be taking a very long drive. We will go see his daughters for his oldest is having brain surgery. I am looking forward to the drive and the time alone with him during it. As well as the alone time in the evening hours. I do not, however like the reason why we are going.

Things here are settling in. Getting to some shade of normal. I am sure in a few weeks it will be ok.

My boss at work is being stupid again. Doing her 'your not doing your job' thing to me again. This time i have the HEAD boss backing my position up. I am sure tomorrow when i go in i will be in for a blast from hell! But sir said something really good today. He said.. I'm very glad to see i taught you well. Now... don't back down on your position. You are right - don't give it away.

Thing is.. i think she's trying to prove me incompetent so she can get her work papers to come back here. (she is from India) Thing is... I've been doing this job longer then she has. So - bring it on tough girl! I said to sir.. would it not be outrageous if i go on stress leave or maternity leave? They would HAVE to by law hold my position thus meaning not only can she not come over because I'm still technically employed but she will also have to do all the work i do for her everyday!! I laughed.. so did he.

I can be so evil sometimes... but im not going on leave (of any sort) anytime soon. Well no that is not entirely true. I will be going away with sir for a week. I have NO intention on telling her. HR knows as does my direct supervisor here. So... she can eat crap!

mmoooahahahahhahahah

:)

~me

Almost a week.

Well its been almost a week since mum has gone to long term care (nursing home)

It's been wild crazy busy!

My morning routine has added brining mum coffee and her paper EVERY morning. RIGHT after work i go see her until she kicks me out. Every night eating dinner around 830 / 9pm.. mostly alone. Tonight is no exception.

Consequently my house looks like a bomb went off in it! You know that moving dirty look? Ya.. well it still has it.

I'm DEAD exhausted. I finally slept like a baby last night. Daddy let me play with the toys he got me and ooooo i played!!

I also hurt my back something awful. Tonight daddy told me to either find the heating pad or go get another one. I bought another. The one that is misplaced was old as dirt anyway.

I'm in the process of doing mum's laundry - did i say that already?? - and eating. Should be a quiet night.

Tomorrow is D14's birthday party. She has babysitting classes from 930am to 430pm. Then i go get her and her friend. They decorate and everyone comes over from 5pm to 9pm. I shoo them all out THEN give Seera her special present. I got her a daughter's pride ring. She will love it. *nods*

Well im going to finish eating and get started folding this laundry.

Im just alive and semi well. Nothing more new to report here..

OH.. wait.. yes there is..

In 14 days daddy and i take a LOOOONNGGG road trip to see his oldest. We will be gone for a week. We'll see her a bit before the surgery.. and lots after. Brain surgery is scary. Im looking forward to the time with my daddy and the girls. Just not for the reason we are going down for.

With all the events as of late.. my eating is WAY out of wack.. so is my metabolism.. I've gained what feels like a zillion pounds. Maybe now, since i wont have to worry over mum.. i can go back to going to the gym??

We'll see......

toodles everyone!

Mom's Day

HAPPY MOM'S DAY!!!!

Its been HOLY COW busy today...

However...

Mum is mostly in her room. Tomorrow is the last two or three boxes and her bed. Go bring S17 to school some 25 min away. Come back pick up mum and bring her there. Go to work for 1pm till 3ish. Come back home pick up D14 (tomorrow is her birthday WOOT!!) Go print a photo right quick.. go pick up mum for dinner out and Walmart. Come home fall into a coma.

It's been a good day.
My daughter got me a fushia tree for my work. Its pretty.. and PINK!
My son got me pretty ankle braceltes! (i loves those)
Mum got her flowers - tomorrow we go pick out her phone for her mom's day gift from me.

Tonight i went to work to pull and compile the reports that go out Monday morning. They are done and sent. I gathered up my work for the other building so all i have to do is go there and im all set for that meeting.

Sir talked to me many times today. Keeping me from the OMG panic mode to just do what i tell you to do. It was easier that way.

Tonight... he sang to me. *big smiles* First time he did that .. i hope he never stops. Nearly had me crying on the spot! It was so very very sweet.. and JUST what i needed.

Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,
I hate to leave you but I really must say,
Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight.

and he said ever so sweetly - goodnight my precious litttleone.

*smiles*

Goodnight my Sir.

*blows kisses*

Upcoming moves...

Today i went to measure the room along with the whole other running around that HAD to be complete by 3pm.

I am happy to report that my errands took me to 315 but i was still on time!! woot!!

Mum is in a different room then what they showed us. However - this is a good thing. There is room for her quilt rack in this one - even for queen sized quilts! I will look for a more narrow frame for her regardless.... she can use an good update on that product..

I think i saw one on Ebay that may fit her room nicely.

I still don't feel any better about it. But at this point there is nothing i can do. Her home care has been canceled as of Monday. It sorta feels like that apprehension you get when your baby goes to school... or the first day of high school.

Sir did say on Friday when i found out i SOUNDED relieved... 110% better. I don't feel it though. Not at all.

I got mum's entire room packed up and ready to go but for the items she is using. I put away her valuables in a MARKED box for her. I don't think she wants those there. All her photos are down and packed. All that is left is her bath stuff and whatever she need to take from the living room. That should not take too long at all!

We should find out about his daughter on Monday sometime. When her surgery date is. If there is anyone up there listening.. the weekend of the 19th is booked up for D13's 14th birthday party... pllleeassee not then..... D13 needs me here.. she needs me there. I cannot be in two places at once. I found out i can get up to 10 days emergency leave off.. PLUS my 10 days vacation if i need it. Which i wont.

I just need to know when.

I have to finish making D14's (or soon to be) Kimono. I just have the obi left.. but its been soo crazy busy! I may start with it on Tuesday night. Just to stop me from thinking of mum NOT being here any longer.

All in all its been a productive day. Busy as hell but productive.

Moving Weekend

Mum's official move in date will be Monday. However we are allowed to bring everythign we wish this weekend EXCEPT her and the bed.

She has to be 'admitted' into the facility. The bed has to be inspected to make sure its mechanically sound.

So this weekend is full up suddenly.

Sat - i have to have her pack up what she wants and start load by load to bring it over. I'm thinking for mother's day i will get her one of those closet things that makes it nice and neat. Tonight she purchased a safe so she can keep her purse and valuables locked up inside it.
I also have to get D14's birthday party supplies and go to Michaels for flowers. I cant remember what else needed to be done. Start moving is the main thing. With only Me and D14 it should be tough but do-able.

Sun- i have to go pick up S17 for the day. Maybe he can help move some things over like the dresser. That is the heaviest thing! I have to go to work for about 2.5 hours to pull reports for Monday morning. I also have to come home shower up and get ready to go for dinner at 430 with mum and her guy friend and the kids. After dinner i have to bring mum home. Settle her in and then drive to bring S17 home an hour away. Come home fall into a coma.

Mon - go to work. Start sending out all my reports one by one. Start my work. Work there till 930 then come home to get mum. Put mum in the van - bring her back downtown and admit her. IF i can find someone to come get the bed GREAT bed goes with her at the same time! If not i will have to take another trip to get the bed somehow! I have to go back to work for 2pm for a meeting then i can go away for the rest of the day. Settle mum in - whatever.

Tue - die from exhaustion!

NO fun for me this weekend. Im still not looking forward to it at all.


~me

Tings

Well that didn't take my boss long to figure out. Now i have to come up with a better plan brain....

You see my boss knows i leave at 4pm every day. This is to one take care of mum and two because i am no longer allowed to work more then 8.5 hours a day (company rules - not mine) So for the past 5 working days she emails me at 3.45pm and loads a pile of paperwork on my desk. Grant you i don't get to the paperwork until the next morning but still she tries to shove it on my desk.

Well today she CALLED at 3.45pm and gave me a pile of stuff to day. Grant you... it's still sitting on my desk until tomorrow morning but still. It only took her 5 days to catch onto that!

Ill think of something new to torment her with... like wandering away from my desk at 330 and not returning until 4pm to log out and leave! :P

Tonight i dropped my beastie off at the mechanics. It gets looked at tomorrow. Hopefully to fix my driver's side window once and for all. They are also going to check the brakes and exhaust system. HOPEFULLY it does not cost me my first born to get it all fixed up. I cannot afford to loose him anymore! I love my car... i really truly do! But i can say this.. never buy a 95 VW Cabrio unless your prepared to give away your first born! Sure they hold their value. It runs like a top.... however... when it needs to be repaired. *shakes head* I have been told it was the LAST year that VW Cabrio's were made in GERMANY. Yes.. thats right.. all my parts are IMPORTED. ouch.

No word from Sir's oldest on surgery dates. Today we were suppose to find out. She may call tonight. No word on my mother's placement into LTC (long term care) I will hopefully find out tomorrow about when. It's looking like next week since they do not do Intakes on the weekends. All i have to say is i'd like her placed before we drive down for the surgery. I want to know she's SAFE when I'm away.

Tonight - at 830pm - i go to get my nunu waxed all clean for Sir. I like this spa because they have WAY late hours so they can accommodate my schedule and they don't cost me a fortune. However the job they do is CRAP! Before we go away - which is expected to be in 3 weeks time i will go to the GOOD spa and get it done right. This spa does not take the time to go INSIDE the labia and get all the fur from in there. I don't mind going to the spa to get this done. Been doing it for ..oh i don't know... 7 to 8 years. It hardly hurts anymore. Its just i HATE finding a good one. I miss the gal in my old city. Now there was a gal who could appreciate the statement " i want to be clean and don't break the hairs!" And i'd be clean for a good two weeks! This place.. im lucky for 4 days.

Lol its the pre clean up! ya thats it!!!

Woo hooo look out nunu your gonna get all clean.

And as they say.. Wax on............... Wax off !! rrrriiippppp!

~me

Talks and Laughter

So we had the talk. It was not so bad. I merely asked if she wished to come out. She does - like yesterday. She claims things are not well with her mom. They have not been for awhile.

I asked if she knew that things were not going to be the same with her father. She said ya but i'll work on him. (Ha! I'd like to see that one!) I told her that she would not have the many luxuries that she has now. Basically at 18 she runs that household over there. Mom decided to be her friend instead of a mother. She does what she wants when she wants to - period. Sir will NEVER stand for that in his own house. When there i could just see the teeth cut marks in his tongue from biting it so hard!

I advised that she should try to work things through with her mom - which she insists is impossible. Nothing is ever impossible. I advised it is bad to leave on bad terms. Far better to leave on happier ones. That there are things to consider - medical coverage, jobs, where she is to stay and for how long.

She asked if her father had EVER said to me that he didn't want her around. And i honestly told her - that we have discussed her moving out with us before. And we re-discussed it after we came back from visiting with them. And we re-discussed it again yesterday. Never EVER once had he said he didn't want her there. In fact he very much wants her near. He has, however, said that right now is not the best time for moving. That the fall would be better as things will be much more settled by then. She seemed relieved at this.


In the end she was firm that she is coming back with us after her older sister's brain surgery. I was equally firm that she needs to discuss with her father FULLY before making any serious plans on this. That i will support whatever her father decides fully. That if he says no - then its no and i will not go back at her insistence to try to 'work on him' to change his mind. That i would love her to be with us, however that it is a decision that her father will make.

In the end i discovered - OMG she is as stubborn as the day is long!!

Then she went on to tell me of her two new piercings she got done. One in the tongue one in the clit. OMG the description of her clit piercing nearly made me fall over! Grant you i was laughing so very hard a the same time so it was not so bad. She told me that she was screaming so loud that people in the shop were leaving! I was soooo laughing!! And when i could finally breathe all i could say was.. Well, you cured me from EVER asking if i could get one of those!!

:)

We're still talking. Things so far are still more then well between us despite the fact that i spoke to her of her moving!

Not Fair

Today Sir's middle child announced to him that she wishes to come back with us when we go home from her place after her sisters surgery.

A matter of a few weeks time she wishes to come move in.

Sir said he wishes me to call and talk her out of coming. That things are just now in the process of being settled. That he does not want to sound like the big meanie saying no, not right now. Before I could even think about it out came "So you want me to sound like the meanie?!" He told me no its just that he does not want her angry with him for giving her 'an excuse' when it's the truth. He does want her down just now isn't the time. I didn't say anything for a long bit. He said.. hello? And i asked.."So you would rather her hate me for getting in the way of her moving in?"

End story... I'm to call and discuss with her why now is not such a good time and perhaps we can re discuss this in the fall.

Thing is.. i love her to pieces. We had such a good visit. Now he wants me to tell her this after only meeting her once?!

I'm sorry.. and i know its wrong.. but i feel like I'm being put in the middle. I'm sorry if i don't want to be hated for the gal who got in the way of me moving to dad's. Why is not right now coming from her father not good enough? Being told no from him for me ONCE is good enough.

All this because her mom is on her case about doing something during the day hours instead of sitting around the house all day long. She's 18... she SHOULD be doing something during the day. Her mom isn't picky about what... just something to occupy her time. And because they are fighting she wants to move up.

UGH

This is SO not gonna be nice. I'm not looking forward to it at all....


~me

Weekend

I still feel like i have to go to work tomorrow.

But its Saturday - i wont have to. But i do have plans tomorrow. I have to get the car an oil change in advance prep for its long drive. I have to bring mum to the long term care facility that she will be living at from now on (im still not too sure how i feel on this whole move thing) I also have to go get the kennel papers for Casey so i can have them pre-filled out.

Other then that it should be an ok day. Not much filling it up.
Hopefully it stays that way.

Im just sorta numb with the happenings of late. Lots of changes going on.. a couple of them MASSIVE. This littleone does not deal with change all that well at all.

It will be interesting what happens in the weeks to come.

Updates of sorts

The doctors checked the baby out throughly.. there was no penetration just rubbing.. No one fessed up to it... so no charges are being laid. Stupid but true. Am i disappointed.. your darn right i am. It's wrong weather there was penetration or not! But at this point there isn't anything that can be done.

Add to this that the baby's momma found out today why she has been getting SEVER migranes. It appears that the back of her brain is collapsing. In the next few days we may be making an emergency drive to her state. The wish to do brain surgery with her to put a 'bridge' in her skull to hold her brain up. Possible coma/ death/ paralysis/ memory loss.... etc with the surgery. If she does not get all those things are certain to happen In fact her one side is already starting to go numb. I guess its some condition that she was born with that got aggravated when she had the baby. Sir is taking it well. This is his oldest. He's just in advance planning mode...

Add to this that i think i may of found mum a nice place to stay safely. I was told today that if the paperwork is submitted shortly it can be as short as next weekend that she moves there. I'm SO not ready for that. I still feel guilty. Sometimes i feel relieved that I'm finally going to get some help and she will be safe.. then i feel guilty once again.. only worse.

Add to this i filled out my taxes tonight. I discovered that all my tax info has been going to my old residence where the abusive prick lives still. Needless to say I'm panicked that he will receive some information regarding my new where abouts and come find me. I hope he does not. I will try to call the govt tomorrow and see what i can do. It does appear that my humongo bill with them will be paid off and i may even see money back. How nice..... one more bill gone. Good cause i will need all the funds i can get coming into this house to survive.

Add to this that I'm finally getting caught up at work... only to discover that it's Friday.... so much for that! lol

But ya know what.... its next to the weekend.. where i can get caught up here.. and rest and all will be right in the world once again!

yay!!!

~me

Things rolling around....

Sir has a wee grand baby. She recently turned one. Such an absolute doll she is. She was born way way early so she is still super tiny for her age. Cute as a button and im always saying to sir that we can take her in the summer for months - right? :)

Anyway a few months back her momma kicked the daddy to the curb. She found out by way of the other contacting her directly, that he had a girlfriend. And had had her for quite awhile. Like WAY before the baby was even born!

So back and forth they have been going with the visitation thing. Which, by the way, seems so normal these days its unreal!

The baby came back from visiting her father this past weekend and her momma changed her diaper like normal. Well apparently the child freaked out. Her momma noticed that her vagina was red and sore looking and oddly open - like she could see INSIDE it - for a 1 year old.

Smart cookie called the dr and brought her in. Which lead to the Child protection agency being called... some sort of specialists and the police.... Long story short.. after many people examine her. All of which professionals in the field... it was concluded that the baby was sexually assaulted.

I nearly died when sir told me this. She's freaking 1 years old for crying out loud! Adult penis DO NOT fit in baby vagina's. PERIOD!!

Sir had said that physically beyond irritation to the area she is not hurt. All organs are well an no inflammation of them at all. That thankfully (which is good) she most likely will never remember it unless her momma constantly brings it up. Which i doubt she will do.

Sir told me when i was out shopping. I can tell you the urge to go slap whoever did this around is STILL very strong. Sir is very much the protector of his family and is handling this very well. Patiently awaiting. Watching and listening.

Right now lots of people have been interviewed by the authorities. All those where she lives who have contact with the baby that day have been cleared from her side of the family. We're waiting. Thing is we may never know WHO did it. The baby cant talk.. and if the person who did it tells a convincing story.. well....

Right now she has been instructed that the baby stays with NO ONE but her. Which screws up her night classes.. but in the long run its for the better.

....

I still want to drive down there and find who did it and ...... do something!

*grumbles*

~me

The search begins

Today i took the day off of work to try to get some things sorted out with mum's care.

I am happy to report that i have got some things worked out. Her coverage does indeed NOT expire. She is covered for life. Mum does have an issue of a pension that will convert from one to the other but thats it.

Yay on medical coverage!

I spent the rest of the day going from long term facility to the next trying to find one that i would put my mum into.

I must say i encountered some of the most disgusting places i have EVER seen in my entire life! OMG the stench of some of these places along with the care (or lack there of) with the residents. Alot of these places were just plain sad and depressing. I would not put my DOG in some of these homes let alone my parent!!!

I did however find two. One that is good in the interim - one that i will have as her ultimate home to live at. I still didn't get out to one of them. I may do so tonight after she is sleeping. The one in the interim is BLOCKS from my work (like 3 to 4) So i could walk there the nights D14 is with her father and spend time with mum there till she goes to bed.

I am thankful that mum still has all her marbles. That she ultimately has the say in weather she will stay at which ever place. I have taken up the task of finding a suitable 4 to take her to. From there... she can decide.

I think my standards for long term care are too high though. I found myself asking myself - Would YOU stay here? The answer with her 'final destination' was oh hell ya!' The interim one was... 'well it would do in a pinch' (which is exactly what we are in) the rest the answer was "id disown my kids if they EVER put me in a place like this!"

Mum has the luxury (and believe me it is when it comes to this) to be able to afford a private room. A place she can call her own. Here she will have her own bathroom and closet and room. Here she can decorate it as she chooses. Here she can go to bed when she wants and not have to worry of her "room mate" staying up half the night to watch star trek re-runs. Not that there is anything wrong with star trek - its just not mum's cup of tea!

So now... i have to take some mornings from work and bring her from spot to spot so she can see what each looks like and decide from there.

Her time in the house may be as short as a week... can be as long as 6 to 8 months.

Regardless.... my life is once again about to dramatically change.... and I'm not sure i'm quite ready for this next step. Even IF its a good thing.

my God... what am I going to do with all my new found free time?!

*blinks*
I just don't know. For the past.... forever it seems.. i have taken care of mum. Now what?!

I can imagine i will feel obligated to go to the residence EVERY night... which sir will appease for a short while then he will tell me thats enough and cut me back. I have in the past bent over backwards to always ensure i was with mum in the evenings after work (when she spent 6 months in the hospital a few years back) I am sure sir will not like me returning to that stage of my life.

I don't know.... but there is no need to get all frazzled about it now. What i discuss here may happen as soon as next week... as long as 8 months from now.


~me

It's been

... soooo busy lately. All last week i rushed and rushed to finish a renaissance dress for the weekend. It turned out nicely. The reason i rushed is because this past weekend i went to a medieval event (SCA wise for those that play) where all my friends from my old city said they were going to be going.

........... they never showed up.....................

and i was so very disappointed. Why one may ask.....

Well travel with my family is EXTREMELY difficult. Mum does not travel well at all and when we do we leave all of her special equipment behind. The equipment that is not portable yet she needs for daily movements. Like her poles... and bath seat.. and toilet seat.. and poles on the walls etc. etc. etc.

We drove 4 hour Friday afternoon. This was after dropping off Casey and picking up S17. We got to my uncles 'residence' (which is a gigantic retirement home that he runs! omg it was like walking into a 5 star hotel!! Mum woke me no less then 10 times that night. Dispite me getting up at 5am that morning and driving all that distance.
We got up the next morning. Had the MOST AMAZING breakfast then the kids and i drove 2 hours BACK to the medieval site. We discovered that no one showed up that said they were. In no time the kids were groaning they were bored - there was nothing to do - no one to visit with. My two aquaintences wandered off with their closer friends and i sat at the table sewing alone so we all agreed to leave after only being there for about 4 hours. We drove 2 hours back. Had a GREAT steak supper with my family then went to bed. Again mum woke me up around 10 to 15 times in the night time.
We got up Sunday morning to the same delicious huge breakfast. Packed up and loaded up the car. Drove 2 hours. Stopped to see my cousin and her 4 week old baby girl for about a half hour (mum was exhausted - as was i) got back in the care drove another 2 hours. Dropped S17 off.. Picked up Casey from the kennel and then came home to do 6 loads of laundry and clean the house up.

I was so exhausted that i groaned to D14. It came out that I'm so very tired of taking care of everyone and everything else. Just ONCE i would like someone to take care of ME for a change. The poor thing. She helps out allot but last night she helped out allot more.

Sure i have my daddy. He's great fantastic. However with the situation as it is he cannot take care of me the way he would like to (I'm positive) and how i would like to be taken care of. At times when I'm so very stressed out (like i have been the last few weeks) all i want is to be in my spot and KNOW I'm safe.. and i don't have to worry about anything but making sure he and the children taken care of. I miss him unbelievably badly. I cannot even put into exact words how much.

He says soon... God i pray so! I need him.

Back to my disappointment weekend.

It made me realize that my friends from my old city have moved on. That i have been busy doing work / take care of mum cycle that i have not made any friends here in my new city. It made me feel all alone in the world.

I said to daddy that i don't want to go to any more events unless i know he's coming. He agreed. He said that if he has to go a weekend without me there has to be a benefit of my laughter in there - something i need daily. If there is not then he will not send me so i can cry myself to sleep alone. (which is what i did - sad but true)

So I'm now trying to figure out how i can squeeze meeting new people withing my city into my schedule of work / take care of mum. Honestly - i cannot figure out how...

On another note. I may of found a loop hole to get mum into long term care faster! She so desperately needs long term care now. She falls almost daily and honestly cannot wait another 2 years to get placement. I go tomorrow to find out if that loop hole can be taken advantage of! When i discussed it with mum she was all worried of my bills and how i was going to manage without her here. I don't think she realizes that i pay for everything and have been since we moved. I don't think she realizes when she tells me to take the rent out for "her months" that i never do.

I told her don't worry about me. We'll make due and we will. After she is placed i will be canceling the phone and having only our cell phones. Why pay for two? I will cancel the cable that we never watch. It will be less cooking as it will just be me and D14.

We'll all adjust just fine.... and maybe some stress will be lifted as i wont worry of her falling before i get a chance to get home from work!

~me

It's always darkest

... before the sun rises?

Or something like that.

Sir and I discussed... and talked and ...

im SO grateful that he has taken me.

It is only he that knows just what to do to calm his littleone's frazzled nerves.

I spilled it. All my worries.. all my concerns... and a few complaints of my job. (Without getting my grumpy head on)

I feel better... im sure he feels better that i am more calmed both inside and out.


:)
Things are good.. and now.. im gonna go to bed.

ni ni neverland!!

~me

Work issues

I have work issues - yet again.

This place i work in is run primarily by people whom come from another country. They have the most infamous way of making people look incompetent then sacking them because of it. No matter how that person bends over backwards for them.. Once the black tag is on your back - your days are numbered.

I think today i have received my tag.

It is no secret that i am the sole primary caregiver for my disabled mother. It is also not a secret to upper management (all of whom are from the other country) that her care has drastically changed and become more. It is also no secret that i disparately need that job as its JUST ME supporting this family of 3 (on 13.50 per hour no less! Yes ends BARELY meet)

Then suddenly today i am told that i have 4 new reports to pull out data for. I have two new documentation processes to do. This is on top of the work i already have assigned to my desk that takes me until 1pm to do. (730am to 1pm) Now i have these other things as well. AND no more working past 8.5 hours a day and NO i cannot work from home.

On top of it all.....

I am now, suddenly being told that there are complaints from the Team managers that i don't spend enough time with my agents. WTF?! How can i split myself in two??I'm stuck behind my desk playing freaking secretary and now I'm expected to now spend time with my agents as well?!

It leaves me wondering how in the world am i do do this??
Take today for instance. I busted my ass off for them. I didn't even take a lunch. Thats right no food in my belly until supper time. NO BREAKS either. At the end of the day i didn't complete half of what i was suppose to do.

And know what is sad?!

I'm disappointed in ME for not getting it all done. I try so damn hard to make my boss happy.. and in the end after i worked my arse off I'll get an email stating why wasn't this this and this completely as directed?? never mind that i worked me head off.

I'm tired.. and I'm soo cranky.. and I'm still at the point of tears over this crap.

..... and sir does not want to discuss it.

He does not want to hear that i think they are in the process of firing me because i work hard but in their eyes not hard enough. He does not want to hear of how difficult they make it for people before they fire them. He does not want to hear anything of that job.

I wish i could quit. I really do. I wish i had a job like before. Clock my 8.5 hours.. leave happy.. go back to work happy the next day. Not leave miserable and exhausted knowing full well I'm gonna get reprimanded for not completing my work even though there simply was not enough time.

I left that happy job to come here for my mother. So she could be closer to her siblings before she passes. I have had nothing but crap low paying jobs since i moved... and that is frustrating.

I wont talk about my work to sir anymore. He does not want to hear it anyway.....

........................ and that makes me sad............................