Awhile back my sir mentioned the big M word. (that being married) We tossed back and forth the idea of it. Thoughts on it. What each of us were looking for in not only the engagement but the day and long long afterwards.
Was i excited?! OH hell ya!! It was like i have never discussed the topic before with any other guy in my life! Sure i looked at dresses (and bookmarked a few so i can look at them and possilby make one) and started writing my name out on paper - just to see. I thought of vacation spots for the two of us. What the ceremony would be like. Where it woudl be pretty to hold it. The meal afterwards, what it would be like....you know....all the girly stuff we do.
I shared this excitement with my friend, whom was equally excited! And i told her not bring this up in conversation with my sir (acutally used his name with her) - it was merely him suggesting an idea. Not that it will happen. Not that it wont happen. Just his way of planting seeds so to speak in my mind so he can watch them grow. To see my reaction to things. To make me smile when he knows it would of. That he would decide when its time and all the rest of the arrangements. No worries. She said fine no problem.
Well....
She tried to call me the other day. I was at the gym gettin my sir's new bod going! So instead of waiting to talk to me she called him. ..... and aparently some time in the conversation started with the.. "soooo i hear you want to get married......" blah blah blah.
Now.. my sir will talk to her for a few moments. He does not really care for her. HARDLY knows her. Yet she wishes to share all of her life happenings with him. (regrettably i provided his number to her after asking if it was ok. Now she calls him all the time just to gab) He easily states that she is my friend - there is no need for us both to be friends with her. That it is perfectly fine that she is my friend. (which makes me smile!)
A time later after he ditched her (with a valid excuse - he does not wish to hurt her feelings but honestly does not like talking with her) he called me and asked what was that all about. Naturally i told him everything i told her. I don't lie to my sir. There are no secrets.. there is no reason for them. He did not sound impressed at all.
Now i find myself praying that her call did not dissuade him from his decision. That he is not upset. I tried to down play how worried and disappointed i was. That i was just her being her, however still at this late hour i find myself worried over the situation.
Is getting married a necessary thing to us? No. I know i am owned... deliciously so! However, it would help immigration out a WHOLE lot!! Will it be just a formality? I doubt it. My sir knows how much i wish the day to be so very special. The engagement right up to the the day and far after.
Im disappointed in her. She gets so bent when she "discovers" i tell my sir more then i tell her. Even though she is married she cannot understand why i do this. I have asked her if she tells her husband more then she tells me. She replied "of course" but was quick to follow up with the "You don't need me anymore. You've replaced me with him." And that is simply not the case at all. I simply cannot "need" her in the same capacity that i NEED my sir. She does not have what i require. She cannot provide it. (body parts aside - hehehehe). She does not know the ME me.
I have pointed out her statements to sir before as they bother me alot. I have stated to him that it nearly seems like she's jealous for some reason. Take for instance if we are talking and i bring up something that is going on in my life she quickly changes the topic back to her world. I will listen attentively and when she is finished i will bring up something special that is going on again in my life (or ours depending on the topic) and she will quickly bring the topic back to her. It is nearly like she wishes he didn't exist to me. That my world revolves around her and her issues at hand.
Yet - she calls him......*confused*
Sometimes I get the feeling that she is trying to wedge between us. Especially when she does things that i tell her specially not to bring up because they were just discussions that happened. I doubt that she could ever come between us.. however that is what i think she is trying to do.
End result.. i want the engagement to be spectacular. I want day to be so very memorable. Like no other day in my life. NOT just a bump in the road. I want someone to take fantastic photos of the day. One photo of my sir and i walking hand in hand in the sunset. I want a vacation afterwards with JUST us. Something again that memories are made of (do i hear Bora Bora or Tahiti? Hell Venice, Italy?) I have little doubt that he will make each moment of the process special to me. He knows me better then i know myself. He knows what i like and what i will hold dear for the rest of my life. I love him all the more for it.
I never had a special engagement. My first wedding (and presently my only) the engagement ring was throw up to me after he got home from the military on leave with the comment "Here's your freaking ring now stop whining." Fun. Grant you he had a buddy with him so maybe he was just shooting his mouth off? The wedding was MASSIVE. There was no honeymoon. The night of the wedding we stayed in some dirty little motel room that i didn't want to put my dress down on the chair let alone sleep in the bed.
We have been divorced now for as many years as we were married. Strange.
The second engagement the second he took out the ring i felt instantly trapped. I'm positive i heard the iron door slam! I remember that i pulled my hand away but he held my finger so tight it hurt so i would stay still. .... i wish i could erase that entire part of my life from my memory. I carry so much from that one.....
I just want everything to be sooo nice. Everything i dreamed of when i was a little girl, dressed in that sheet i just pulled off the clothes line, wrapped in toga style, as i swung on my rope swing.
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