It's been

... soooo busy lately. All last week i rushed and rushed to finish a renaissance dress for the weekend. It turned out nicely. The reason i rushed is because this past weekend i went to a medieval event (SCA wise for those that play) where all my friends from my old city said they were going to be going.

........... they never showed up.....................

and i was so very disappointed. Why one may ask.....

Well travel with my family is EXTREMELY difficult. Mum does not travel well at all and when we do we leave all of her special equipment behind. The equipment that is not portable yet she needs for daily movements. Like her poles... and bath seat.. and toilet seat.. and poles on the walls etc. etc. etc.

We drove 4 hour Friday afternoon. This was after dropping off Casey and picking up S17. We got to my uncles 'residence' (which is a gigantic retirement home that he runs! omg it was like walking into a 5 star hotel!! Mum woke me no less then 10 times that night. Dispite me getting up at 5am that morning and driving all that distance.
We got up the next morning. Had the MOST AMAZING breakfast then the kids and i drove 2 hours BACK to the medieval site. We discovered that no one showed up that said they were. In no time the kids were groaning they were bored - there was nothing to do - no one to visit with. My two aquaintences wandered off with their closer friends and i sat at the table sewing alone so we all agreed to leave after only being there for about 4 hours. We drove 2 hours back. Had a GREAT steak supper with my family then went to bed. Again mum woke me up around 10 to 15 times in the night time.
We got up Sunday morning to the same delicious huge breakfast. Packed up and loaded up the car. Drove 2 hours. Stopped to see my cousin and her 4 week old baby girl for about a half hour (mum was exhausted - as was i) got back in the care drove another 2 hours. Dropped S17 off.. Picked up Casey from the kennel and then came home to do 6 loads of laundry and clean the house up.

I was so exhausted that i groaned to D14. It came out that I'm so very tired of taking care of everyone and everything else. Just ONCE i would like someone to take care of ME for a change. The poor thing. She helps out allot but last night she helped out allot more.

Sure i have my daddy. He's great fantastic. However with the situation as it is he cannot take care of me the way he would like to (I'm positive) and how i would like to be taken care of. At times when I'm so very stressed out (like i have been the last few weeks) all i want is to be in my spot and KNOW I'm safe.. and i don't have to worry about anything but making sure he and the children taken care of. I miss him unbelievably badly. I cannot even put into exact words how much.

He says soon... God i pray so! I need him.

Back to my disappointment weekend.

It made me realize that my friends from my old city have moved on. That i have been busy doing work / take care of mum cycle that i have not made any friends here in my new city. It made me feel all alone in the world.

I said to daddy that i don't want to go to any more events unless i know he's coming. He agreed. He said that if he has to go a weekend without me there has to be a benefit of my laughter in there - something i need daily. If there is not then he will not send me so i can cry myself to sleep alone. (which is what i did - sad but true)

So I'm now trying to figure out how i can squeeze meeting new people withing my city into my schedule of work / take care of mum. Honestly - i cannot figure out how...

On another note. I may of found a loop hole to get mum into long term care faster! She so desperately needs long term care now. She falls almost daily and honestly cannot wait another 2 years to get placement. I go tomorrow to find out if that loop hole can be taken advantage of! When i discussed it with mum she was all worried of my bills and how i was going to manage without her here. I don't think she realizes that i pay for everything and have been since we moved. I don't think she realizes when she tells me to take the rent out for "her months" that i never do.

I told her don't worry about me. We'll make due and we will. After she is placed i will be canceling the phone and having only our cell phones. Why pay for two? I will cancel the cable that we never watch. It will be less cooking as it will just be me and D14.

We'll all adjust just fine.... and maybe some stress will be lifted as i wont worry of her falling before i get a chance to get home from work!

~me

It's always darkest

... before the sun rises?

Or something like that.

Sir and I discussed... and talked and ...

im SO grateful that he has taken me.

It is only he that knows just what to do to calm his littleone's frazzled nerves.

I spilled it. All my worries.. all my concerns... and a few complaints of my job. (Without getting my grumpy head on)

I feel better... im sure he feels better that i am more calmed both inside and out.


:)
Things are good.. and now.. im gonna go to bed.

ni ni neverland!!

~me

Work issues

I have work issues - yet again.

This place i work in is run primarily by people whom come from another country. They have the most infamous way of making people look incompetent then sacking them because of it. No matter how that person bends over backwards for them.. Once the black tag is on your back - your days are numbered.

I think today i have received my tag.

It is no secret that i am the sole primary caregiver for my disabled mother. It is also not a secret to upper management (all of whom are from the other country) that her care has drastically changed and become more. It is also no secret that i disparately need that job as its JUST ME supporting this family of 3 (on 13.50 per hour no less! Yes ends BARELY meet)

Then suddenly today i am told that i have 4 new reports to pull out data for. I have two new documentation processes to do. This is on top of the work i already have assigned to my desk that takes me until 1pm to do. (730am to 1pm) Now i have these other things as well. AND no more working past 8.5 hours a day and NO i cannot work from home.

On top of it all.....

I am now, suddenly being told that there are complaints from the Team managers that i don't spend enough time with my agents. WTF?! How can i split myself in two??I'm stuck behind my desk playing freaking secretary and now I'm expected to now spend time with my agents as well?!

It leaves me wondering how in the world am i do do this??
Take today for instance. I busted my ass off for them. I didn't even take a lunch. Thats right no food in my belly until supper time. NO BREAKS either. At the end of the day i didn't complete half of what i was suppose to do.

And know what is sad?!

I'm disappointed in ME for not getting it all done. I try so damn hard to make my boss happy.. and in the end after i worked my arse off I'll get an email stating why wasn't this this and this completely as directed?? never mind that i worked me head off.

I'm tired.. and I'm soo cranky.. and I'm still at the point of tears over this crap.

..... and sir does not want to discuss it.

He does not want to hear that i think they are in the process of firing me because i work hard but in their eyes not hard enough. He does not want to hear of how difficult they make it for people before they fire them. He does not want to hear anything of that job.

I wish i could quit. I really do. I wish i had a job like before. Clock my 8.5 hours.. leave happy.. go back to work happy the next day. Not leave miserable and exhausted knowing full well I'm gonna get reprimanded for not completing my work even though there simply was not enough time.

I left that happy job to come here for my mother. So she could be closer to her siblings before she passes. I have had nothing but crap low paying jobs since i moved... and that is frustrating.

I wont talk about my work to sir anymore. He does not want to hear it anyway.....

........................ and that makes me sad............................

Play ball??

All the ball season is upon us once again. What? You say ball season like its some sort of hunting expedition... lol. It's not. Its just the season from April to September where Sir is busy EVERY weekend with his boy's ball team. His son does VERY well with ball. I am proud of them both. His boy for playing.. and my sir for making the commitment to bring him to practice twice a week then to games EVERY weekend. Sir does love it. He practically glows through the exhaustion at the end of the day. It is good to see.

I hate trees. Why?! Because they pollinate every spring. Oh how i wish they could go from sticks to full leaves in a day! Right now my allergies are bugging me very badly. I forgot to ask sir if i could take my claritin before he left. GAH. Well ... i'm not dying, nor will i over this. My head just feels..... weird.

Two of my closest friends are pregnant. One has had her little precious bundle sometime between the 20th and 21st. Erika they named her. I helped end the debate between Erika and Erica. My other friend is due around the middle of May.

Odd things have been happening to me though. My baby will be 14 shortly. Sir's baby will be 14 in the fall. But as of late i have been having the most bizzare dreams! Dreams where i am at the ball field and go into labor and have this poor child right in the grass! Dreams where i tell my sir that i am expecting - surprise?! Dreams where we are watching this little girl (its always a girl) go through equestrian trials. Dreams of Christmas' and birthdays and all the special times.

I find myself thinking..oh it would be so nice once again. Those feelings have long since been gone. For many many years in fact. Sir and i have discussed other children and both are content with no more. We can SEE the freedom!! What parent does not dream for this day?! Yet....i have in the last few days nearly got up the nerve to reopen this so long ago closed discussion. What holds me back from asking to talk of it? I know the answer.

But at the back of my thoughts it nags. I'm only 33. Lots of time for healthy babies. You still have lots of life left to give. It will be fun! You've always wanted another. With sir... it will be perfect..

.... i want to tell that nagging little voice to shut up for good...

4 short years

Today... it marks the 4 short years since Sir has taken me as his own. Patiently - Lovingly trained me. And continues to train me. Loves me like no other ever has. Accepts who i am for what i am. For the glorious inside and the outside as well. He encourages me to be .. ME! No holding back anymore. It is no longer necessary - i am finally safe to be me.

This morning we talked and reflected on the changes that have happened. During the discussion Sir said he could remember i had asked once "How can anyone trust someone that much?" (It was a question asked of ownership and giving away one's - everything)

My simple response today - to the exact same question - "How can they not?"

I do however, remember relationships of the past. Relationships where the other walked so perfectly over who and what i was. Not knowing what to do with it. Calling me childish. "Grow up!" one said. One knew, i think he did anyway. However he was just a pecker head and abusive. I can clearly remember the day when i said 'Enough. You will get no more of me.' He was throughly confused and of course i was accused of being deceitful of my intentions. Boy did I catch hell that night. In my head i knew that if i gave away that last part of me - i would be lost forever to someone who did not really care. He was in it for his own gain and didn't care what happened to me in the process. I know i came really close to loosing me.

..... never protected.... always hurting (and not in a good way) from something he had done... *thinks* Sometimes i think the damage he did to the very core of me will never go away. Sir says, very confidently, they will. However there are still to this day things i do that are reflective of that - non living.

I remember what it was like when Sir and I first started discussing this lifestyle. This part of me so deeply locked away. I had thought i locked it tight. Thrown away the key. buried it so deep that NO ONE would ever see it. I did not want to take the chance of anyone EVER hurting me again.

He has said before he saw me - shining away but locked tight. But sooo slowly he un-dug what i had buried away. So carefully he took away the bricks.. and then he unlocked the door and left it open a teeny crack and walked away.

It was me - and i remember - Walking out of the depths slowly to enter that dark cave. It was me that saw the light outside of it. Curious of it - but so weary knowing the hurt that came with it before. And back and forth i went. But with each retreat i ventured further towards the warmth. There came a time where i would play in the sunshine and warmth but run like a scared pup back into the cave at the smallest of sounds.

One day when i came out to the meadow there were new fences up. Oh how i loved to play ON the fences. Jumping over my boundaries. Dangling me feet over them. The "Look at me I'm gonna jump!!" *smiles* Slowly, ever so slowly, over time i stopped dancing on the fences.... then i stopped pushing on them.. then i stopped touching them.. and now? I don't even see them. That cave is long since gone. There is no need to hide any longer. Nothing that floats around my thoughts is hidden. No thought to naughty for discussion. Every thought listened to.

Its different - but very nice. VERY nice.

And there is still learning to be done. Sir said today that i have a good foundation which will make the learning easier on me. I noticed he didn't say it would be free sailing! But thats ok. Sometimes learning is a challenge. And that just makes it even better sometimes. I never want to stop learning - and he never wishes to stop teaching.

Today i asked him "Daddy - are we there yet?" He chuckled and said " Almost baby girl - We're on the interstate now. It wont be much longer."

My response?

"Drive FASTER Daddy!! There are no police on this highway!"

*giggles*

I cannot wait to be home.....so i can keep learning!

What you wanna do tonight pinky.....

..... I don't know brain what do you wanna do?

We play like this sometimes, Sir and I

Depending on how far he wants to play will usually depict on the answers to follow.
Sometimes Its "Why don't we try to take the world over again, Pinky? Let's start with (the city we live in) this time.
Sometimes its what he wishes to do with what he owns - again depending on his moods.
Sometimes its a list of things that have to be done in the evening.

But tonight it was simply:

You'll find something to do. I don't want to be disturbed. I just want a non thinking night. I'm going to lay in front of the TV. I want to be quiet.

He went to great lengths to tell me that he was not upset in any way with me. That i had done nothing wrong. That he loved me second to only his children. That everything was PERFECTLY fine.

"Don't get mad baby. Call it male PMS if you want to. I just don't want to talk to anyone after i leave work."

And so.. he said he was on his way home. Said he loved me and that he would drive safe. And I've not heard one peep from him since.

Its quiet. I have such a hard time with quiet. Never mind that i find it VERY difficult to sit quiet 98% of the time.

In the past, due to some rather nasty relationships (all of which abusive - the last one horribly so), quiet meant it was the calm before the storm. It was the quiet seething before the eruption to come. It was time to frantically prepare for what was to happen at anytime in the near future. Always catching me completely off guard no matter how much i prepared.

I was not mad at his statement of what was going to happen tonight. I was very sad. Sir and I have always talked. Always. When he says he does not want to talk i immediately feel like he's shutting me out. Shoving me aside. Does not want to deal with me any longer.

Which plays with my whole abandonment issue i have. (Which is very strange because as far as i know i have NEVER been abandoned. The marbles start rolling. The ones i have so greatly tried to tie away spill out. What have i done? *nothing* it whispers. Is he going to send me away? *did he say that?* it whispers. Am i not good enough for him to share whatever he's trying to sort out? *who said your not good enough? Is it yours to know in the first place? Would he not share if he felt you needed to know? Perhaps he's saving you from worry.* it whispers.

But I'm already worried!! And he's quietly watching Tv.

I have made dinner he didn't eat. I cleaned up. In a little bit i will take the puppy and D13 for a walk. We'll stop for Fluries and walk back. After I'll soak and maybe finish the hand pleating or read.

Good distractions.. but.. they are just that distractions from the normal evening routines.

ok gotta get ready for the walk..

~me

Something missing....

Today there just seems to be something missing.

No matter what i do I'm so distracted. It's been a fairly busy day today too.

Ive got more then half of my hand pleating done. I'm in the middle of making yet another medieval gown for my SCA event in a couple weeks. Anyone who knows anyone in the SCA - you can never EVER have too much garb! Heck - my garb out numbers my every day clothing in my closet! lol

I got some groceries done. I picked up bunny food for work lunches. Lately all i have been craving is salad for lunch and Taco Bell for supper. Strange but true.

I got the laundry done. My lunch made for work in the morning. More hand pleating done. House cleaned up some. supper made. Kitchen spotless.

But still....

There is something missing.

Usually when Sir and i stay up late the next day all is well. The world is new and sparklie.
Today.. there is this GREAT BIG HOLE that i cannot fill up no matter what.

Its dark - even though its sunny outside.

....Im so glad its nearly bedtime....

~me

Just a quiet day

Today is a normal Saturday - much like any other.

I have plans to hop in the shower to get clean only to get all dirty all over again. Only its not the dirt id like to have. This dirty comes from actually cleaning up. *makes faces*

I also wish to go to the library. I love going there. Its quiet. I can think. I can explore books. Something that my mum gave me. When i was old enough to read she would bring my brother and I to the library twice a week. She never went inside .. she patiently sat outside with her crochet. We were allowed 5 books each time but it was mandatory we had to get at least ONE book to read READ. Long story short.. i love my library runs even now. And i still take out 5 books. However it takes me so long to read that i usually buy my reading books.

Once upon a time Sir and I used to read the same book. But he is such a fast reader he'd be long since done and i'd be on the third chapter! Im not kidding!! Maybe once i get home i will have more time to read. Actually i was thinking the other day that ball season is about to start up. First ball weekend is next week. That means he will be very occupied every weekend from then until August when school starts back up. Ample time to curl up and read all weekend long - providing my chores are complete. *nod*

I digress - Mum is seeing some guy. I'm very much a daddy's girl and loved (and still love) my daddy very very much. Heck its been 3 years (mum says 5) since he's past and i STILL cry. Anyway mum is seeing this guy. The other day im in my office and i overhear him telling mum that there isnt much room in here and she should get a bigger place. All im thinking is what the hell?! Who are you to come into MY house and tell her that its too small?? I make due with what i can buddy - i dont see you volunteering any funds to pay for a bigger place!!
Umm.. ya..
I was upset to say the least. But what followed was a bit strange to me. Earlier this week i went through the "i wanna stay home from work and clean" stage.. right up to i want to take everything out of my house.. throw it out and start all over.

Sir, of course, said no to all of those. Work pays the bills and i don't need to throw anything out. Even he was bothered by what my mum's new found friend stated. It bothered him a-lot. To the point where he told me to keep a close eye on my mothers financial doings. Which i will do because he told me to.

So.. today.. since i'm not at work nor do i have to go into work (although i should because i do have reports to pull out - but i wont) I am going to clean the main living area. That would be the kitchen / dining room / living room. Clean out all the clutter. Make it look nice again - like it did when sir came over. *nod* Then i will move onto other rooms of the house.

I do live in a small space. I make due with what i have. Small spaces can look untidy quickly because well... their small. I will fix that. Or try to. *nods*

So im off to shower.. then get into cleaning clothing.. and clean and clean and clean...
I hope i have time for the library today.....

Bad days

Sir said he had a bad day today... that just continued on when he got home. He had some unexpected running around to get done. So much for a quiet night at home.

I can say that my day was not all that much better. Although he didn't get into what made it a bad day you could just hear it in his voice that something was bugging him. He will tell me of it if he feels.

I can say that it is nice to know and SEE that even though he had a bad day - he never takes it out on me. Oh sure he may come home and use what he owns as he pleases but i am never yelled at. It is never blamed on me when it is not my fault.

My bad day was the dreaded yearly pap test. *shivers* Gah i hate those things. At the same time we quickly discussed getting a tubal ligation. Wee no more birth control after that! Those crazy meds! They give me migraines. Although the physician did say that if i think my periods are bad now.. wait till i go off birth control and find out.

Honestly.. I'm so tired of the migraines - i don't honestly care of what happens without the meds. End result is i have a referral to a gyn. In a few days i'll get the appointment and we'll go from there.

After that pap I'm all crampy and sore. I hate those things - wait i think i said that.

I talked this over as nicely as i could with sir. He hates discussing anything "woman" related. So i try really hard. He said we'll wait to see what the gyn suggests.

Im thinking maybe i wont need such a strong one as my tubes will be all done up.

Sir told me awhile ago not to worry. I wont go through this surgery alone. I hope its postponed until the fall so i don't have to go through it alone. I cant do needles. AT ALL. I pass right out. So going through surgery.. ewwww..

I'm such a big baby - but he has taken me for who i am anyway. ALL of me.

*big smile*

I love that i don't have to hide who i am anymore!

When life is too busy...

Sir makes me smile.

Even on bad - OMG omg OMG days.. he still has the ability to make me smile - which leads to laughing.

One thing that he promised - and he has kept faithfully (like all of his promises) - is that there will never be a day without laughter in my life any longer. Every day i laugh. No matter how nasty the day is going.

Sir promised No more Easters apart. The other day he had said to me that in 4 to 5 months i will be home where i should be.

That made me smile ALOT. Im sure that the man on the moon saw my smile from way up there.

I so want to be home.

I have taken to reading some people's online memo's. There is two that i read faithfully. One that lives the way i SO want to.

Its nice to know one is not alone in this lifestyle.

I feel normal for the first time in my life. That in itself is NEVER a bad thing.
Free to run within my fences. And you know what.. i dont even see them anymore. I used to..but not anymore.

Im SO much happier.

now... get me home and life will be PERFECT!

Holiday Time

Today will be just another ordinary day for us here. More laundry to be done. Clean the apartment. Just usual Sunday things with exception to the running around that we normally do as i do believe most stores will be closed today. Which in itself is disappointing as i need pins so i can complete my sewing!

I cannot wait until holidays mean something again. Yes sure i can make them mean something now but its just not the same with my sir so far away. How i want the big table and all full with family members and friends. I want to make the big meal and entertain for the afternoon and evening there after.

I used to love doing that. Still do. But - no one to do it with. Well that is not entirely true. My extended family is busy with my cousins. As it should be. Those are my aunts and uncles children and grand children.

One day i can have it all be magical again. One day....

Until then Happy Bunny day Everyone!

Life in the Fast lane

The past bit has been so very busy for me. Between work, mum, D13, the pets and the house... ugh i have little to no time to me. Which at the end of the day all i want to do is sleep anyway.

How i long for days to come where i can have a less hectic schedule that Sir will manage for me.

The past few weeks have been hell on wheels.

Mum has taken to falling nearly daily again. It is no fun to not know weather i am going to come home to her in her chair or her on the floor. Currently she is on the wait list as a Category two. That wait list is for long term care. Care that she actually NEEDS now. The wait list is 2 to 3 years long. Now with the recent happenings i could have her placed on a Category One wait list. That simply means when a room becomes available SOMEWHERE within a 1.5 hour drive she will get it. No matter where its located from our home. Which could mean that I'm making a 1.5 hour drive EVERY DAY to make sure she's ok.

I'm torn.. i really am. I know she needs to go into constant care. I know it is getting - rather quickly - to the point where it is unsafe for her to be home. Yet - i want her here because i know they will not take care of her the way i can here. Yet - i want her safe and then i get to have pieces of my life back. Yet - i don't want her to go....... and back and forth i go. Some days i feel so guilty for wishing her in a long term care home. Does that make me a bad daughter for wishing that? Perhaps a bad care giver?

My family, well my extended family (my brother wrote himself out of our lives some 4 to 5 years ago now) support whatever decision i make. But when push comes to shove they are her siblings. They have lives of their own to cope with. The cannot provide the support im looking for. I would not trust my brother's decision - if by some great miracle he comes back into our lives- either. So all of this is all on me. It's rotten - it really is.

We also this past week had to put my kitty down. Her liver failed and nothing short of a transplant was going to save her. The vet bill was very costly. But it is a small comfort to know that we did try to save her - she just could not make it through. I miss my kitty very much.

Sir was a great help. He called the vet and kept me updated. It was sir whom told me there was nothing left to be done. Him that helped me cope and manage through it. I am so grateful that he has taken me to him and continues to hold me close. Putting her down was very hard. I know it was for the best. And i know that she is with daddy looking over me. But it does not make it any easier.

At night time i find it the worse. I think partly because nearly everything looks its worse at night time and partly because she used to sleep with me. At first she used to lay right on my chest and then move to laying beside my pillow so i could still pet her. I miss her purring when i go to sleep. Thankfully i have a noise machine and i turn on the ocean sound but its still not the same.

D13 wants to get another one in the fall. Sir says we'll see. And with that... we'll see. It's just as simple as that. *nod*

Sometimes it is very nice to have him - have me. It makes my life so much easier.

Sir has been participating in peace talks this week. Things that must be resolved on his end are up and rolling now. Things that needed to be discussed. Perhaps it will come full circle quickly and life can move on ahead. That is my wish.

A lot of days i feel like I'm stuck in some sort of torturous holding pattern. Not moving ahead.. but not moving backwards either. I'm anxious to be moving ahead. I SO want to be moving ahead. I am trying to be patient... but it's been a long time. A lot of nights because of this i cry. Sometimes i feel like I'm not really truly living. I did when i was in Florida. I was able to FEEL what it was like to finally breathe. Perhaps i am being selfish - but i want that now. I so need that now.

We had discussed earlier of someone we know. Who lived in this lifestyle. One day her spouce work up and said "i dont want to do this anylonger." and that was that. It ended. I can rememeber saying to Sir - 'you cant do that! you cannot just wake one day and say well its been a slice. What about her? He's suppose to take care of her - ALL of her. To me, if you woke up and said we're not doing this it would be like you telling me go ahead and stop breathing.' We had a good talk over this for a while.

To me this lifestyle is not a game. To some it is. And if their happy great. To me it is who i am. This lifestyle - living within it - makes me happier then i have EVER been. Ever. To suddenly take it away would be like trying to rip my soul from my body. Ouch. I would be so very lost without it - without him. A shell of person really. Being his - dancing within my fences - entrusting ALL of me completely to him - serving him - wanting more then anything else to make him so very happy - it is in my very being. It is who i am. I am my sir's. Completely and freely. And i absolutely love it.