Travel time

In a few days time we will be leaving to go to Sir's oldest daughters home. Some 13 hour drive away.

I will leave from my house on Friday afternoon (after lunch with mum and getting my nails done pretty) I will settle in and Sat morning be awoken by his cock in the mouth he owns (omg i love waking like that!) and then off we go.

I'm excited to be going. I get so much alone time with my sir. I get to see the girls. I get to see the baby! But at the same time I'm very worried and apprehensive about the the entire thing.

We are not going for a vacation per say. Although the night time alone will BE a much needed vacation to my so called life here. We are going because his oldest is having brain surgery. He needs to be there he says. And actually i completely agree. Being a parent of two great kids.. i cannot think of a single place id be but beside their bed for something like this. I mean.. its not like she's getting her broken arm reset (not saying that its not important - it is - just how often do you hear of death as a complication to that?!)

I'm worried that i may of changed shape since he last saw me and he will not like it or me any longer. I'm worried that i wont meet his expectations. He has said 'don't disappoint me.' For whatever reason i find myself defeated before i have even begun. Could be the old crap from my past bubbling up. As for my shape.. the scale says I've not gained any more. Grant you i've not lost any either.

I have found me standing in front of the mirror.. scrutinizing my image. This is too big.. this is too small... He has an unbelievable way of making me feel like a super model. THAT alone i cannot wait for when i feel so miserable about me. I KNOW my self image issues come from ALL my past. We're working on it.

Im just worried i wont meet his expectations. I worried that i will disappoint him and i will no longer be his. The prospect of being set free is absoultely terrifying, anxioity attack, sort of thing to me.

I've told sir that i desire a person who lives near me that lives the lifestyle that we do. That i can call up and go for coffee.. discuss our issues.. or accomplishments.. or feeling.. or swap ideas! He said that in time i will have that. I long for that NOW. I do not dare ask to go to the bdsm meets. I am not looking for a Dom/Master... "I've already got one!" (in the outrageous french accent!) It would be lovely to know that these feelings ... well .. that others have had them too.

I'm looking forward to the alone times. I have said.. and he has said as well.. i want to be used so that i hurt the next day! I have no doubt in my mind that that will occur often. He has also said other things that will happen. Being spanked till i cry - which as of yet for some bizzare reason i just dont cry. I was the same as a child. I would be silent.. not saying one word.. nor shed one tear. Sir said that will change. Like it was some unsaid challenge! heheh maybe it is? He said he WILL use the ass he owns... which to me is both exciting and .. "your gonna do what?!"

I am sure its just me twisting this way out of proportions.. but still they are my feelings..and they are real....

God it would be nice to have a coffee buddy that i can share this with.......sometimes the world seems so big and lonely.....

~me