Life in the Fast lane

The past bit has been so very busy for me. Between work, mum, D13, the pets and the house... ugh i have little to no time to me. Which at the end of the day all i want to do is sleep anyway.

How i long for days to come where i can have a less hectic schedule that Sir will manage for me.

The past few weeks have been hell on wheels.

Mum has taken to falling nearly daily again. It is no fun to not know weather i am going to come home to her in her chair or her on the floor. Currently she is on the wait list as a Category two. That wait list is for long term care. Care that she actually NEEDS now. The wait list is 2 to 3 years long. Now with the recent happenings i could have her placed on a Category One wait list. That simply means when a room becomes available SOMEWHERE within a 1.5 hour drive she will get it. No matter where its located from our home. Which could mean that I'm making a 1.5 hour drive EVERY DAY to make sure she's ok.

I'm torn.. i really am. I know she needs to go into constant care. I know it is getting - rather quickly - to the point where it is unsafe for her to be home. Yet - i want her here because i know they will not take care of her the way i can here. Yet - i want her safe and then i get to have pieces of my life back. Yet - i don't want her to go....... and back and forth i go. Some days i feel so guilty for wishing her in a long term care home. Does that make me a bad daughter for wishing that? Perhaps a bad care giver?

My family, well my extended family (my brother wrote himself out of our lives some 4 to 5 years ago now) support whatever decision i make. But when push comes to shove they are her siblings. They have lives of their own to cope with. The cannot provide the support im looking for. I would not trust my brother's decision - if by some great miracle he comes back into our lives- either. So all of this is all on me. It's rotten - it really is.

We also this past week had to put my kitty down. Her liver failed and nothing short of a transplant was going to save her. The vet bill was very costly. But it is a small comfort to know that we did try to save her - she just could not make it through. I miss my kitty very much.

Sir was a great help. He called the vet and kept me updated. It was sir whom told me there was nothing left to be done. Him that helped me cope and manage through it. I am so grateful that he has taken me to him and continues to hold me close. Putting her down was very hard. I know it was for the best. And i know that she is with daddy looking over me. But it does not make it any easier.

At night time i find it the worse. I think partly because nearly everything looks its worse at night time and partly because she used to sleep with me. At first she used to lay right on my chest and then move to laying beside my pillow so i could still pet her. I miss her purring when i go to sleep. Thankfully i have a noise machine and i turn on the ocean sound but its still not the same.

D13 wants to get another one in the fall. Sir says we'll see. And with that... we'll see. It's just as simple as that. *nod*

Sometimes it is very nice to have him - have me. It makes my life so much easier.

Sir has been participating in peace talks this week. Things that must be resolved on his end are up and rolling now. Things that needed to be discussed. Perhaps it will come full circle quickly and life can move on ahead. That is my wish.

A lot of days i feel like I'm stuck in some sort of torturous holding pattern. Not moving ahead.. but not moving backwards either. I'm anxious to be moving ahead. I SO want to be moving ahead. I am trying to be patient... but it's been a long time. A lot of nights because of this i cry. Sometimes i feel like I'm not really truly living. I did when i was in Florida. I was able to FEEL what it was like to finally breathe. Perhaps i am being selfish - but i want that now. I so need that now.

We had discussed earlier of someone we know. Who lived in this lifestyle. One day her spouce work up and said "i dont want to do this anylonger." and that was that. It ended. I can rememeber saying to Sir - 'you cant do that! you cannot just wake one day and say well its been a slice. What about her? He's suppose to take care of her - ALL of her. To me, if you woke up and said we're not doing this it would be like you telling me go ahead and stop breathing.' We had a good talk over this for a while.

To me this lifestyle is not a game. To some it is. And if their happy great. To me it is who i am. This lifestyle - living within it - makes me happier then i have EVER been. Ever. To suddenly take it away would be like trying to rip my soul from my body. Ouch. I would be so very lost without it - without him. A shell of person really. Being his - dancing within my fences - entrusting ALL of me completely to him - serving him - wanting more then anything else to make him so very happy - it is in my very being. It is who i am. I am my sir's. Completely and freely. And i absolutely love it.