What you wanna do tonight pinky.....

..... I don't know brain what do you wanna do?

We play like this sometimes, Sir and I

Depending on how far he wants to play will usually depict on the answers to follow.
Sometimes Its "Why don't we try to take the world over again, Pinky? Let's start with (the city we live in) this time.
Sometimes its what he wishes to do with what he owns - again depending on his moods.
Sometimes its a list of things that have to be done in the evening.

But tonight it was simply:

You'll find something to do. I don't want to be disturbed. I just want a non thinking night. I'm going to lay in front of the TV. I want to be quiet.

He went to great lengths to tell me that he was not upset in any way with me. That i had done nothing wrong. That he loved me second to only his children. That everything was PERFECTLY fine.

"Don't get mad baby. Call it male PMS if you want to. I just don't want to talk to anyone after i leave work."

And so.. he said he was on his way home. Said he loved me and that he would drive safe. And I've not heard one peep from him since.

Its quiet. I have such a hard time with quiet. Never mind that i find it VERY difficult to sit quiet 98% of the time.

In the past, due to some rather nasty relationships (all of which abusive - the last one horribly so), quiet meant it was the calm before the storm. It was the quiet seething before the eruption to come. It was time to frantically prepare for what was to happen at anytime in the near future. Always catching me completely off guard no matter how much i prepared.

I was not mad at his statement of what was going to happen tonight. I was very sad. Sir and I have always talked. Always. When he says he does not want to talk i immediately feel like he's shutting me out. Shoving me aside. Does not want to deal with me any longer.

Which plays with my whole abandonment issue i have. (Which is very strange because as far as i know i have NEVER been abandoned. The marbles start rolling. The ones i have so greatly tried to tie away spill out. What have i done? *nothing* it whispers. Is he going to send me away? *did he say that?* it whispers. Am i not good enough for him to share whatever he's trying to sort out? *who said your not good enough? Is it yours to know in the first place? Would he not share if he felt you needed to know? Perhaps he's saving you from worry.* it whispers.

But I'm already worried!! And he's quietly watching Tv.

I have made dinner he didn't eat. I cleaned up. In a little bit i will take the puppy and D13 for a walk. We'll stop for Fluries and walk back. After I'll soak and maybe finish the hand pleating or read.

Good distractions.. but.. they are just that distractions from the normal evening routines.

ok gotta get ready for the walk..

~me