4 short years

Today... it marks the 4 short years since Sir has taken me as his own. Patiently - Lovingly trained me. And continues to train me. Loves me like no other ever has. Accepts who i am for what i am. For the glorious inside and the outside as well. He encourages me to be .. ME! No holding back anymore. It is no longer necessary - i am finally safe to be me.

This morning we talked and reflected on the changes that have happened. During the discussion Sir said he could remember i had asked once "How can anyone trust someone that much?" (It was a question asked of ownership and giving away one's - everything)

My simple response today - to the exact same question - "How can they not?"

I do however, remember relationships of the past. Relationships where the other walked so perfectly over who and what i was. Not knowing what to do with it. Calling me childish. "Grow up!" one said. One knew, i think he did anyway. However he was just a pecker head and abusive. I can clearly remember the day when i said 'Enough. You will get no more of me.' He was throughly confused and of course i was accused of being deceitful of my intentions. Boy did I catch hell that night. In my head i knew that if i gave away that last part of me - i would be lost forever to someone who did not really care. He was in it for his own gain and didn't care what happened to me in the process. I know i came really close to loosing me.

..... never protected.... always hurting (and not in a good way) from something he had done... *thinks* Sometimes i think the damage he did to the very core of me will never go away. Sir says, very confidently, they will. However there are still to this day things i do that are reflective of that - non living.

I remember what it was like when Sir and I first started discussing this lifestyle. This part of me so deeply locked away. I had thought i locked it tight. Thrown away the key. buried it so deep that NO ONE would ever see it. I did not want to take the chance of anyone EVER hurting me again.

He has said before he saw me - shining away but locked tight. But sooo slowly he un-dug what i had buried away. So carefully he took away the bricks.. and then he unlocked the door and left it open a teeny crack and walked away.

It was me - and i remember - Walking out of the depths slowly to enter that dark cave. It was me that saw the light outside of it. Curious of it - but so weary knowing the hurt that came with it before. And back and forth i went. But with each retreat i ventured further towards the warmth. There came a time where i would play in the sunshine and warmth but run like a scared pup back into the cave at the smallest of sounds.

One day when i came out to the meadow there were new fences up. Oh how i loved to play ON the fences. Jumping over my boundaries. Dangling me feet over them. The "Look at me I'm gonna jump!!" *smiles* Slowly, ever so slowly, over time i stopped dancing on the fences.... then i stopped pushing on them.. then i stopped touching them.. and now? I don't even see them. That cave is long since gone. There is no need to hide any longer. Nothing that floats around my thoughts is hidden. No thought to naughty for discussion. Every thought listened to.

Its different - but very nice. VERY nice.

And there is still learning to be done. Sir said today that i have a good foundation which will make the learning easier on me. I noticed he didn't say it would be free sailing! But thats ok. Sometimes learning is a challenge. And that just makes it even better sometimes. I never want to stop learning - and he never wishes to stop teaching.

Today i asked him "Daddy - are we there yet?" He chuckled and said " Almost baby girl - We're on the interstate now. It wont be much longer."

My response?

"Drive FASTER Daddy!! There are no police on this highway!"

*giggles*

I cannot wait to be home.....so i can keep learning!