And I'm back....

Just spent a nice 5 days with my sir. It was heaven on a stick and then some.

And then i had to come back to this so called existence that I'm really REALLY starting to not like

Yes i love coming back to my children (even if they don't clean the house and spent all the money i left them) I love coming back to my pets (even if the dog did pee on the D14's bed and the cats ... well their cats) I love coming back to make sure mum is o.k. I like coming back to my co-workers that i am SO grateful for having.

However...

I do hate coming back to a job that i really hate. There is NO communication in that place what so ever. Oh but how they boast at how great their communication is. Whatever.

I do hate the drive back that takes 5 hours on a good no accident/no construction day. Last night was 7 and a bit hours on the road. Driving alone.. with a radio that kept cutting out as i have no antenna and a CD player that packed it in right after i got it from the mechanic. Convenient.

I do hate coming back and having to then switch over. I make my decisions for my day to day stuff. I choose my clothings. What to make for supper. How to pass my day. What time to go to bed(mostly) ...... blah.

I do hate that when it comes down to it I'm alone again. Not alone in the house but alone without adult conversation, his touches, his attentions.......

I hate that

I don't like that at all.

I miss him lots. This was a hard drive back. I cried on and off the whole way back. Usually all i do is cry to the state line (which is on hour) and I'm done for the rest of the time. This time i cried on and off for the entire 7 hours. I stuffed back tears today.... its not been fun

Thing is I'm not liking this seeing him once every 4 to 6 months. I'm not liking that ALL i have is communication daily with him. Ya sure... long distance relationships.. blah blah blah. We don't have an 'ordinary' relationship. We can and will do this.

I just hope that i don't have to wait another 4 months to see him......it hurts my heart just to think of it....

:(

~Just a sad littleone tonight.....

Packing

I have to pack - i dont have any choice about the matter AT ALL.

I have given my landlord my notice that i will officially be out of here by Oct 1. Which means i now have 3.5 weeks to pack ALL my stuff and get the hell out.

Im sad sorta. I like my place. Its comfy.. its mine and its private. I will be moving into the lower level of a co-workers house. Although nice he does not know the nature of my relationship with sir.

He is also in a neighbourhood that is VERY close and social. I'll be honest.. im not used to that. Im used to everyone doing their own thing. Keeping to themselves. And honestly.. strangers scare me.

Ken - that is the guy's name - has invited me and my son over tomorrow to meet the neighbors. Bring the puppy by so he can run a muck and jump in the pool. Im not overly sure about that. Puppy has never seen anything remotely resembling a pool. Hell id ont even know if he can swim!

I dont know.

I just dont like this entire situation one bit. I'm very overwhelmed by the massiveness of it all. I was in the process of looking for a new place to live and looking for a new job. Now add to that going to the lawyers and trying to make ends that BARELY met before meet... eek!

I think it will be ok... i really do. But i can honestly say that both my sir and I would like it alot better if i was moving home instead of into some guys lower level.....

It makes me wonder.. what will he think of me after that first night when Sir drives up to take whats his. Spank the ass he owns and make me cry hard cuase its what i need? Will he call the police? Will he think me strange? Will he politely ask me to leave?

I dont know... i guess the only thing we can say is time will tell......

... Off to packing i go....

~me

Insights and what not

It's been a busy few days in the life of me. *thinks* isn't it always with me though? Ya... i guess it is. I do know that when i move 'home' that i will slow down. I will have no choice. Until then i will do what must be done.

I have seen a side of my sir that I can say surprised me entirely. It also confused me greatly. One of the trainer guys overheard me talking at work over my issue with my HORRID financial situation and the need to find a suitable place for my daughter and i. He came over and said i have just the place. In the lower level of my house. I can build up a wall with a lockable door and you will have the privacy you need. No worries of first or last months rent until this blows over. If you cannot afford the rent on month that is fine - just give me what you can. I know what its like to be a single parent and struggle to make ends meet. $800.00 EVERYTHING included and i mean everything. Internet, phone, cable, utilities, pool/hot tub use, use of ALL appliances AND washer/dryer.

So he told me the story of the lower level. He purchased the house 3 years ago. Built it from scratch so he, his son and his elderly mother could live there. So he could take care of her as she could no longer live fully on her own. Down on the lower level was her living quarters. A living room, full bathroom, HUGE eat in kitchen with cherry cupboards and a corian counter top and two big bedrooms. She wanted a shallow pool and hot tub for therapy so he put one in for her as well (grant you he uses them as well but he put them there for her)

Recently she has taken to falling often. The ambulance over at his home more often then not. So after the last trip to the hospital his mother decided to place herself into a retirement home. So he could live his life and do what he wishes. Up came the now empty lower level.. and in came me.

My sir did/does not like the idea AT ALL. He does not like the idea of me living in "some guy's" house. He does not like that one entrance (the front entrance) enters into his open house. He finally said that i could get it on two conditions. That the wall is IN PLACE before i bring any of my stuff in and that its secure with a locking door.That i only use the front entrance to get into my part of the house when its an emergency. That i get my own phone line.

He still does not seem impressed in the slightest about it at all. However i will NOT come across a better deal in this nice of a house.

Thing is.. i can understand his concern - i share them as well, but Ken seems like a nice guy. I know of him at work. He's really nice and for the love of God i'd love to believe there are still nice people out there in the world! I like to think that mean nasty things that can happen in situations like this only happen to other people. Thing is.. i don't see me as being one that would turn heads. (apparently i do - lots of them) He said he will NOT have someone else touching what he owns. That he is frustrated that he lives so far away that he cannot come to ensure we're safe.

Then part of me thinks.. then maybe he'll move this process along faster so i can go home??.. then i feel guilty...

But end part of this story is that we are moving. He said it was ok. I am sure the first chance he can get he will drive up to meet Ken and see the place first hand. Maybe then he will be a bit at ease. I dont like seeing him worry. But in this instance i have little i can do to fix it.

I go see the lawyer tomorrow to fix this financial nightmare my son's father cast upon me. I still have no idea how one guy can be SO mean to another human being. Frig.. what the hell have i done to him to deserve getting a 400.00 pay check every TWO weeks?! No one can live on that.. no one.

S17 is coming over tomorrow. His grandmother will be dropping him off since she has to come into the city. He called to ask if its ok for his grandmother to do so. I said hell ya! (saves me gas in the car when im so broke i dont even have two pennies to rub together and gas is at 1.04 a liter! - Yes thats right.. over 4 dollars a gallon) He will be with me till i drop him off on monday. I have not decided weather or not to tell him what his father as done. Thing is.. i have no place for him to go. So he'd have to be angry at his father AND live there. Not good. Then again my ex husband (D14's dad) offered him a place to go to if he wished. There would be no harm in that.

The thing that burns me even more is that my S17's father convinced him to turn down two apprenticeship offers and go back to HIGH SCHOOL instead. I could just run him down for this! And for what?! So he could get child support from me for longer?! What the hell kind of parent does this?! Never mind the stress he's put on me. My nerves are shot. I have no idea most days how im going to make ends meet. In fact i bought D14's school stuff on my credit card that is almost maxed out because i have to live off it as it is. UGH.

Cant wait till tomorrow to see how the lawyer can fix this. Im not completely opposed to paying child support. Im opposed to paying a 1/4 of my pay for a child that is working full time! and im opposed to it because his father convinced him to turn down two damn good paying jobs in a city that is dieing work wise. The well runs VERY dry here job wise.. and 16,000 more people are due for layoff in September. Yay us.

But all in all things are moving around.
I have to start packing. I wish to be fully moved come October. That also means going through things and getting rid of the accumulated crap. Sorta like spring cleaning..... but only i have the promise of a bit of a financial breather.......

.... until we meet again....
~me

Looking up...

Things have been productive the last few days. Knock on wood that me posting this does not jinx the whole thing and it all goes to hell in a handbasket from here!

My training from work is done. Grant you im wiped completely out. 630am WORK starts have sucked the energy out of me. But its done and i passed. Woot!

Today i finally found a lawyer - yes i have the much needed cert! - I go Wednesday morning for that. When we were done the call i heard the secretary say to someone "Wow! this is gonna be a good one!" Ya think?! 367 per month in child support for a child who is under 40 days from turning 18 AND working full time. You think someone dropped the ball there considering i only make 1600 per month?! umm ya....

I was called today for a job interview. I go tomorrow am at 830am. I had to do testing for it tonight. A word/excel 2000 test. Which im sure i did poorly on as im used to using the short cut keys not the "long" way of doing things. I also had to do an English profficency test and a typing test. All while the dog is barking and running after the baby cat and my D14 is doing the mommie mommies. I did write them a thank you letter - it should be ok.

Daddy is currently over at his ex-wife's house (its his too). She has finally agreed to settle the separation with divorce papers so the house has to go. They have had one couple visit the house 4 times. Twice during the open house... once last night.. once tonight. They have driven by it apparently 9 times in-between. I HOPE they offer something good. This way it can be settled and its one more step closer to being done done. She has in the past outright refused to sign divorce papers, despite the fact that they have separated for the past 4.5 years. I honestly think its one of those if i cant have you no one else can. *shrugs* who knows. I just want it all settled up and done for him. One less headache he has to worry over.

All is going pretty good....tomorrow is pay day. I get to see how little of my pay check i get to keep from now on. Which is gonna suck as ive worked less hours this week due to training so the check is already less..... *sigh*

OH.. and i may of found a new place to live! yay!!!!

Ok.. a storm is coming in.. im gonna shoo....

Ni ni everyone!

~me

Weekend Report

Well - to be honest there really isn't anything to report. It's been a really quiet weekend.

I went to see a new apartment on Friday. I gave the Land lady my name and number. She said she will call for the deposit when she confirms weather both tenants are leaving. She has one that is in the process of eviction, the other gave her notice dependent on house closing. She said she would contact the one lady and the other she does not go to court for until the 22 of August. It is a nice place. The rooms only slightly smaller then what i have here. It will do. I can officially start packing things. Things that we don't use. At least this time i don't have to pack all in one day! Thank God for that! I never want to do that again.

Yesterday we went to my uncles for dinner. Two of my other uncles and of course i brought mum were there. It was sort of a mini family reunion. I love those! Big family meals. Until my financial matters came up i was going to rent a small hall where i could have use of the kitchen and i was going to cook a HUGE holiday meal. Either somewhere between thanksgiving and Christmas OR between Christmas and new years. However at this time i don't even know how I'm going to put food on my OWN table let alone feed a big family. I miss big family meals. I really do.

Maybe i should start getting active with the SCA again. But in the US as this group just isn't active enough. I used to cook HUGE meals 4 times a year and LOVED it. Grant you the guy i was living with was such a pecker head. My family always got the benefits of me cooking big meals. They got to sample all the foods in mini big meals. But he was always miserable that it was taking time away from HIM and how dare i. He even sabotaged a few dishes on occasion. How lovely. Not only did it take more time away from him as i had to clean it up and REMAKE it. But it also cost us money out of our OWN pocket. I refused to use the groups money to remake a dish when it was simply him being a bone head!

Sir also called yesterday. I have alot of SCA clothing being donated to me. YAY! My closet for that is growing!! However the reason why its coming is quite sad. His best friend's wife was diagnosed with MS this week. All i could say was "Oh. Well, I know all about that. If she wants to hear what its like being raised by a parent with MS she is more then welcome to call." My mum has MS. My mum has had it since she was 19. I feel badly for her. It must be very scary. But i really did offer for her to call as she has two very young children, 2 and 3 years old. They will never know their mother as "normal". But to be very honest... my mom to me IS normal. And i honestly don't remember anyone ever teasing me over my mum being in a wheelchair. Today's society is better equipped for handicapped persons. Which will be nice for them.

Well im going to go get my coffee and find the paper. See if anything has happened in the world since last night. I just got my morning call (at 1130am) from my sir. He's up and getting ready to go to Meijers for groceries. God how i cannot wait to go and do that with him every week!!

Take good care everyone. Have a happy sunday!

~me
ps. Tommorrow i hear of leagl aid - if i get it or not. GOD i hope i get it....

Good times

The day was not a total wash out. Even though it started off with many tears as i opened a letter to find out that not only have they taken my wages in this effort to get money that simply does not exist from a bill i knew NOTHING about until last week. It appears that they have now taken money that is my DAUGHTERS in order to pay this bill to "support my son" (whom lets not forget is working - D14 cannot legally work yet) To day i was frustrated and angry was an understatement.

I still await to see if i qualify for legal aid. Until then.. every available money source that they can get their greedy hands into they are. I'm suspecting that next is any savings accounts i may have. Which i do hold my mother's money in my name. This is for her care and my ease of getting funds when i need them -pronto. In no way shape or form is this MY money. It simply sits there for her use should i need it.

Apart from that.. it was a longish day at work. Not overly busy.. not overly quiet. I got a pattern cut out and i read the paper. Talked to a few people. All in all it was ok

I took D14 and her friend to the movies tonight on a gift cert that she had from the holidays last year. She wanted to go see Transformers - good movie! And im not even into those kinds of movies! There was a preview for what looked like godzilla - but it does not come out until the new year so we'll see.

All in all the day was a good one. The best part was seeing my D14 smiling and having fun with her friend. Even if they played DDR until their feet were about to fall off before the flick!!!

:)

Now im going to take my exhausted self to my coma.

Ni ni neverland!!!

~me

Tampons.... to the rescue!!!

**Note** This was sent to me and as my ex-husband (from many years back) is in the Canadian military (where we don't have Marines) it still struck a soft spot in me!


Tampons to the rescue in Iraq!! Don't worry, it's a good story, and worth reading. It's even humorous in parts. It's from the mother of a Marine in Iraq.

My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you. He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a girl care package and everyone was giving him a hard time.
My son said, "Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him." I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, Marine X thinks it's for him too.

He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, "What'd we get this time?"

My son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package. He said he wasn't sure who we were sending the pack to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, "Look at me, I'm an Airborne Ranger!!!!" One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile.

Then of course......they had those tampons.

When he brought this up, my imagination just went running, but he continued. My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grabbed the tampons too, and my son said everyone was teasing him about "not forgetting his feminine hygiene products."

He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, "Hey! Use Marine X's tampons!" My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told me, "Mom, did you know that tampons expand?" ("Well....yeah!")

They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later The surgeon told them, "You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would have bled to death." My Son said, "Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine's life."

At this point I asked him, "Well, what did you do with the rest of the
tampons?" He said, "Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit."

I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can't believe that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke, ended up saving someone's life. My sister said she doesn't believe in mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that "female care package" was sent to Marine X to save our Marine.

Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine! God bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.