This has been

.. the worse week of my entire life (except for running from a VERY abusive man and surviving - still amazes me how i pulled that off without him knowing)

Earlier this week i received two letters. One was dated July 31. It stated that i owed 734.00 in back child support. I looked at that letter and actually said.. what the fuck is this?! I dont owe child support. I never went to court Jan 31 of 2007. What the hell??? It went on to say that i had 15 days to contact their office to make payment arrangements. I was like you bet your damn ass im going to contact you.. i don't even know what this is about!
The second letter dated August 1 stated that they were going to garnish my wages to not only pay the back support but also the monthly support.

WTF?!

So i go to work the next day. Everything is sorta cool. I call up this sort of collection agency for child support. I twas then that i find out that the monthly amount owed is 343.00 and that i indeed owe 734.00 in back support and oh by the way we already sent the garnish papers to your employer. WTF?! 343 dollars.. i don't even make that much to be able to bay that obscene amount... what the hell am i suppose to live off of?! How the hell do i feed my other child who lives with me. WAIT a second.. last year when i was served the papers his father AND his lawyer said he was not even going to pursue this child support thing if i supported him in what he wanted - and i have. I got my child drives ed for 900.00 when i didn't have two cents to rub together - hell im STILL paying for that.

All they told me is that they are enforcing the court order as it stands and basically too bad.

I cried.... i cried right at work in the middle of all my co workers. Made a complete ass of myself - but i cannot afford to go home. I need every cent as it is to live. More so now. My world officially caved in on me.

i went down to legal aid to see if i can get a lawyer. I have an appointment on the 24th to see if i qualify. I also have a spot on the cancel list. I don't even know if i qualify to get a lawyer at all yet. I called payroll.. they are indeed going to garnish my wages before i even get to see one cent. They don't know how much my checks will be - or even if ill get any...

That was Tuesday.

Since then i have been an emotional mess. I'm still looking for a new place to live that is cheaper then here. Regardless of this situation i still need a cheaper place. So far i've found nothing. I cannot tell you how many times i've contemplated making my D14 go live with her dad. Putting everything i own into storage. Boarding my pets and going to live somewhere else alone. Were i can rent a room for 200 or whatever.
I've contemplated going back to school - going to see the Dr of stress leave (ive not slept more the 2 hours at a time since this happened)

Everyone tells me dont panic. Dont panic?! I have no idea what is going to happen to me financially. I have no idea if i will get legal aid. What if i dont?! Then what? i obviously cant afford a lawyer!

My rent is 850. I get paid 800 every two weeks. So one check automatically goes to rent. Out of the other check i get 50 bucks is set aside for the rent. 100 for car/house ins. 100 for electricity. 135 for my school loan. Add on top of that 367 for child support (this is without back support being paid) and im left with 48 bucks.

What can you do with 48 dollars that has to last you a freaking MONTH?!

With that 48 dollars i have to get groceries and pay all my other bills (like gas in the car so i can go to work, and my credit cards which i already live off of)

Dont panic..

Tell me, what would you do if you were suddenly told you have under 50 bucks to live off of for the month? Knowing full well you have NO SAVINGS account or mommie/daddy to fall back on??

I was already in the process of trying desperately to trim my bills. To sell my car (but i have to get it safetied first - cant now). To move to a cheaper apartment. To get rid of bills i don't need (like cable tv that we never watch)

and then this comes........

I think i must of been a really mean person in another life.
I must of been - why else would i keep getting the short end of the stick?!

the more i try to make my life better.. the harder i work.. the more crap that comes.....


:(

Revelations

There was this guy at work. He was in my training class. Quite the character and also a real sweetie - or so i thought.

From day one he was pursuing me. "Come on, he'll never know." along with the "Just once and i wont bother you again." And so so many other statements to go with it.

To be honest 'going' for/with him never crossed my mind. He was a good friend and nothing more. I have my daddy - he gives me what i need and then some. He is EXACTLY what my entire being needs. No one can give me that. No one.

Well as friends go - you trust them. Sure i didn't give him all the skeletons in the closet but i did share some things with him that I'd rather not get out at work. (of my past with pecker head) My understanding with employers is that if they find out your a 'fugitive' from a very abusive spouse and that you have a restraining order and that you even after all this time would be terrified if you saw him because he stated I'm NEVER going to let you leave me.. well they would see you as a liability and try to find some way to get rid of you. So i kept it under my hat - mostly. I shared that part of me with him.

Well a bit ago he got fired. Of course there were rumors that go around as to why exactly. No one believes those really do they? We emailed back and forth . He still proclaims his undying love for me. Wants us to be together blah blah blah. To which he is still to this day is shot down. Sorry (actually NO I'm not) buddy..i will not waiver on this one.

Well today a female co-worker comes over to me and asks if she can talk to me. So I go with her outside. She asked me outright if there was something going on between him and i. I answered her with the truth. I have never ever seen him outside of work - and i wont be, period. That there is nothing going on beyond a completely platonic friendship.

Come to find out she has been seeing him since April. She is/was married. She claims she wrecked her whole life for him because she loves him. Because he promised her the same things he promised me. Because he loves her and her alone. Because he wanted to live with her and enjoy life. Come to find out he really was/is sleeping with at least 3 other women (one whom says she is carrying his child). One gives oral 'favors' and then there is her.

She was devastated when she was telling me all this. I truly feel for her. It was like her heart was ripped out of her body. Poor dear. And she cried - no sobbed. And i hugged her. She called herself stupid for getting involved with him and myself smart for not bothering (which really was never a question as to if i would ever get involved with him-i think she gives me far too much credit. I know I'm owned and deliciously so. I know i didn't get permission for any 'extra curricular activities' soo....)

For me - he was someone that i valued their belief in honesty. Their sense of family. That held strong religious beliefs and truly tried to live to what they were taught in their religion (even though I'm not religious - i still think highly of those who try to live that way) Come to find out it was all a scam. And if he can lie to her on something that is so very important - what else has he done on his word that he gave me not to say anything to anyone?

His word is worth nothing to me.

She feels that she will never be able to trust anyone as much as she did again. On her level i can completely understand that. He is so incredibly smooth its unreal. The type that could sweep a person off their feet and treat them like a princess I'm sure. For me it will be hard to trust friends with what is going on with my life. And i have precious few of them in this city. I guess I'm one less now....

Soon she will be moving onto another job. I do hope she finds something that appeals to her. I as well hope that she keeps in touch. I really like her and would like to one day call her my friend.

~me

Just an ER sort of day

... ya ..

So i highly don't recommend any of my US readers to go to any ER in Canada.
I started my adventure at 1045.. and got out of there at 430pm

Oh joy!

Sounds just downright silly but my period is all out of wack - again - and it really scared me this morning. Something i remember from having the kids. The nurses told me when i left the hospital if i ever start going through a pad an hour to come back. Now i have no idea if that holds true for periods... but i went in anyway. It was that gross.

SO... long story short (and this way it will spare you all the disgusting parts) they tested me for pregnancy - there was none. They made sure my uterus was ok - it is. They changed my birth control - because what i had was practically NON existent to me anymore.

In fact the doctor was amazed i was not preggo that is how low it was in my system.

So for now I'm exhausted. All i want to do is sleep all day. Sir says that is normal considering what has been going on the last couple of days. The doctor does not seem overly concerned. He did say if it gets worse to go back in.

My my adventure in the ER has past. I have a new perscrition for birth control and the possibility to know what life is like WITHOUT a period ever 14 days (or less) Woot!

now.... im going to bed...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Just another sleepy day

It's been hard waking up today. I can honestly say i don't think i have woken up from today!
sir called around 830.... after the conversation i went back to sleep. He called 2 more times and finally at 1130 he said enough.. get out of bed and start your day.

thing is...... i don't think it started. Sure i got out of bed did the normal take the dog out, come back in shower start coffee eat breakfast.....

But as soon as im done this - and its only 8pm - I'm going right back to bed. I will bet good money it takes me 2.5 seconds to fall into a blissful coma.

It's been a busy weekend. FULL of stress. So much so that "the thing that has no name" has made an early and very painful appearance. Which also means two cycles this month - oh joy.

Sir even brought up the topic of getting a hysterectomy done. That brought tears to my eyes. I said "but if i get preggo i wont have to worry over it for nearly a year." All he said was "that is true." and dropped it. A short time later he brought it back up that when i finally get to see the ob/gyn i should discuss this issue fully and suggest to him that we take out the thing that gives me cycles nearly when ever it wants (and that is WITH birth control!)

That makes me very sad.

One weekend maybe i should bring up this discussion..... of how sad it really makes me.

Maybe its just a phase - most of my friends are having them. Then again - i think its really him. I never wanted to have any with pecker head. He was just too mean. Sir on the other hand - he is an would make again to a small child a wonderful daddy.

I think I'm just gonna go read my book and fall into a coma.

*muah!*

Friend's Baby

Last night my friends from my old city sent the first photo of their baby. It was the first time that i have seen their little baby.

All i could say was AWWWWWWWW as i looked at the screen. Her momma made her the tiniest little SCA garb ever. A miniature version of what she typically wears. Simply adorable!! Even sir cooded over the photo!! I cannot wait to see her in the fall although she will be bigger.

Does the feeling to have anohter creep back in.... yeah it does. But i know now is not the time. There is quite simply too much going on. It saddens me to think that there may never be "a good time" any more in our lives. In the end its ultimately not my decision anyway...

Never the less she is the cutest baby ever and i am very happy for them!!

~me

Long Tail Hamsters

I honestly think these are just midget rats! However they are cute as hell!

While we were out at PetSmart today my D14 and i were looking at the birds and little critters. Hey we actually went to get animal food for the puppy and kitty. Well... we both looked at these midget rats and love them.

So i'm fairly certain we will be getting two in the very near future. Thing is... i was never allowed hamsters or any sort of rodent when i was small. I have NOT A FREAKING CLUE how to care for these things. For that matter i have no idea where i'm gonna put them. I have one very curious puppy and an even more curious CAT!

D14 has named the one she wants already. Big Steve. He's a fat little thing. The other will be sorta marked like those spotted cows! I said call it moo moo.. she laughed and said no. I'm waiting for a response on a pet cage for them. If pet smart is open we'll go tonight. If not we'll go tomorrow.

Its been a busy but not day. No gym today. Sir says its my day off. I will go tomorrow though. Took my mum for supper. Just the ordinary stuff for a weekend really. Only exception is that i went to the library. I may take a walk with D14 later on for the store (i'm looking for Vogue Knitting Magazine) if we dont drive there on the way back from PetSmart.

Am i nuts to be allowing these little creatures into the house? Naaaahh i don't think so.

~me

I have a friend

I do have many actually.. but only one that i wish to vent about today. She is a good friend. One of my closest. She does not know of the nature of my relationship with my sir. Nor will she. She is one of those OMG vanilla folks that see anything outside of the 'normal' relationship as being wrong or abusive - which this is SO far from that it isn't even funny!

Awhile back my sir mentioned the big M word. (that being married) We tossed back and forth the idea of it. Thoughts on it. What each of us were looking for in not only the engagement but the day and long long afterwards.

Was i excited?! OH hell ya!! It was like i have never discussed the topic before with any other guy in my life! Sure i looked at dresses (and bookmarked a few so i can look at them and possilby make one) and started writing my name out on paper - just to see. I thought of vacation spots for the two of us. What the ceremony would be like. Where it woudl be pretty to hold it. The meal afterwards, what it would be like....you know....all the girly stuff we do.

I shared this excitement with my friend, whom was equally excited! And i told her not bring this up in conversation with my sir (acutally used his name with her) - it was merely him suggesting an idea. Not that it will happen. Not that it wont happen. Just his way of planting seeds so to speak in my mind so he can watch them grow. To see my reaction to things. To make me smile when he knows it would of. That he would decide when its time and all the rest of the arrangements. No worries. She said fine no problem.

Well....

She tried to call me the other day. I was at the gym gettin my sir's new bod going! So instead of waiting to talk to me she called him. ..... and aparently some time in the conversation started with the.. "soooo i hear you want to get married......" blah blah blah.

Now.. my sir will talk to her for a few moments. He does not really care for her. HARDLY knows her. Yet she wishes to share all of her life happenings with him. (regrettably i provided his number to her after asking if it was ok. Now she calls him all the time just to gab) He easily states that she is my friend - there is no need for us both to be friends with her. That it is perfectly fine that she is my friend. (which makes me smile!)

A time later after he ditched her (with a valid excuse - he does not wish to hurt her feelings but honestly does not like talking with her) he called me and asked what was that all about. Naturally i told him everything i told her. I don't lie to my sir. There are no secrets.. there is no reason for them. He did not sound impressed at all.

Now i find myself praying that her call did not dissuade him from his decision. That he is not upset. I tried to down play how worried and disappointed i was. That i was just her being her, however still at this late hour i find myself worried over the situation.

Is getting married a necessary thing to us? No. I know i am owned... deliciously so! However, it would help immigration out a WHOLE lot!! Will it be just a formality? I doubt it. My sir knows how much i wish the day to be so very special. The engagement right up to the the day and far after.

Im disappointed in her. She gets so bent when she "discovers" i tell my sir more then i tell her. Even though she is married she cannot understand why i do this. I have asked her if she tells her husband more then she tells me. She replied "of course" but was quick to follow up with the "You don't need me anymore. You've replaced me with him." And that is simply not the case at all. I simply cannot "need" her in the same capacity that i NEED my sir. She does not have what i require. She cannot provide it. (body parts aside - hehehehe). She does not know the ME me.

I have pointed out her statements to sir before as they bother me alot. I have stated to him that it nearly seems like she's jealous for some reason. Take for instance if we are talking and i bring up something that is going on in my life she quickly changes the topic back to her world. I will listen attentively and when she is finished i will bring up something special that is going on again in my life (or ours depending on the topic) and she will quickly bring the topic back to her. It is nearly like she wishes he didn't exist to me. That my world revolves around her and her issues at hand.

Yet - she calls him......*confused*

Sometimes I get the feeling that she is trying to wedge between us. Especially when she does things that i tell her specially not to bring up because they were just discussions that happened. I doubt that she could ever come between us.. however that is what i think she is trying to do.

End result.. i want the engagement to be spectacular. I want day to be so very memorable. Like no other day in my life. NOT just a bump in the road. I want someone to take fantastic photos of the day. One photo of my sir and i walking hand in hand in the sunset. I want a vacation afterwards with JUST us. Something again that memories are made of (do i hear Bora Bora or Tahiti? Hell Venice, Italy?) I have little doubt that he will make each moment of the process special to me. He knows me better then i know myself. He knows what i like and what i will hold dear for the rest of my life. I love him all the more for it.

I never had a special engagement. My first wedding (and presently my only) the engagement ring was throw up to me after he got home from the military on leave with the comment "Here's your freaking ring now stop whining." Fun. Grant you he had a buddy with him so maybe he was just shooting his mouth off? The wedding was MASSIVE. There was no honeymoon. The night of the wedding we stayed in some dirty little motel room that i didn't want to put my dress down on the chair let alone sleep in the bed.

We have been divorced now for as many years as we were married. Strange.

The second engagement the second he took out the ring i felt instantly trapped. I'm positive i heard the iron door slam! I remember that i pulled my hand away but he held my finger so tight it hurt so i would stay still. .... i wish i could erase that entire part of my life from my memory. I carry so much from that one.....

I just want everything to be sooo nice. Everything i dreamed of when i was a little girl, dressed in that sheet i just pulled off the clothes line, wrapped in toga style, as i swung on my rope swing.