I used to...

.. have one of these so sir could see in the morning how i passed the night through. Over time it for some reason stopped being used. Perhaps because our communication in other means increased. Perhaps it was just time for a change.

Maybe its just time to start back up again. Pervious expereiences have left me quiet. At times i find it easier to say things without saying them - posting them so that maybe one day they will be found.

Tonight - i miss my sir. Very much. I so wish to be well within arms reach. Seems like forever since i last saw him. I know it has not been very long at all.. but in my eyes it seems like its been years. Perhaps when you miss someone everthing gets magnified.

I want to hurt. I still have a difficult time with that concept. How can one WANT to hurt? I cant explain it but i do. I want to feel grounded. So that when i wake tomorrow and perhaps the next day i'll know that im still very much ok.

I hurt when we were away. I so deserved that though. What possessed me to say 'no' to him i still have no idea. I've not said no to him since very early in my training. I did however say it.. and i did get the ass he owns spanked good. And the next day i hurt. But i felt SO much better.

I've not been sleeping well again. I used to sleep like this. Very often. And then came the smurfs. So far ive only heard of the smurfs brought up once. I used to have those.. then went to the percription one. The dr at one point said i could not get any stronger.. yet i was still not sleeping well. The issue never was (and still remains) falling alseep. It's staying asleep. I'm up so very often. My best sleep is from 6am to 1030/11am. Grant you during the week that simply is not feasable. I have to work - for now.

When i go home it will be better. Much better in so many different ways.

~me